


Swimming Under Water

by Shadegarden



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-05-27
Updated: 2013-08-27
Packaged: 2017-12-13 03:09:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/819276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadegarden/pseuds/Shadegarden
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thomas and Jimmy are friends but when Mr. Green comes to Downton for an extended visit and sets his sights on Thomas, Jimmy is confused as to why he might be feeling jealous. Set Post Season 3 Christmas Special.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mr Green arrives at Downton

Swimming Under Water Chapter 1

“So, Lord Harrington- well he was as _tight as a tick,_ truth be told- put his _left_ foot in the stirrup and got in the saddle the wrong way round entirely, nudging his poor horse in the neck with his knee.  The grooms were all shouting and trying to pull him back down off the horse.  The poor creature took off for the hills with Lord Harrington gripping the saddle and yelling ‘Tally Ho!’  Lord Gillingham had to send our best horse trainer out after him.”   Mr. Green finished his tale with a twinkle in his eye, and he looked around the table, enjoying the merriment of the servants that were gathered for supper.

Anna dabbed at her eyes with her napkin, almost breathless with laughter.  “Oh my- Mr. Green, you certainly make us laugh with your stories. You should write them up and send them to a newspaper as a column.  You could call it ‘A Valet’s Adventure’ or ‘Beware of Drink at Lord Gillingham’s Hunt?’“

 “Oh yes.  That would be quite fun.” Green agreed, picking up his fork to finish what was left of his beef stew. “I think I would have to change Lord Gillingham’s name as well as the names of his acquaintances though or he would rather have a fit.”  Green had been telling stories to amuse those gathered at the table, as he had done every night for the past week and a half.  He carefully turned his head to the left and smiled at Thomas- tapping his index finger on his lips- to see if he liked the story as well. 

“Very clever.” Thomas said, smiling warmly; but he did not let his gaze linger on Green's face.  He turned his attention back to his meal, and caught a glimpse of Jimmy's expression- Jimmy had fixed Green with a glare full of loathing.  Thomas could feel his disapproval from across the wide, dark table, and it made him uneasy. _For what reason could Jimmy dislike Nigel so very much?_   Thomas kept his gaze fixed on his own plate and avoided looking at Jimmy again.

In the eight months since The Fair- which had been both a disaster and a blessing- Thomas and Jimmy had settled into an easy rhythm of friendship. They made it a habit to meet in the servant’s hall after dinner and play cards or pretend to read the newspaper, all the while making snarky comments about the day’s events and smirking at each other’s wit.  They spent most of their time free time together as well.  Given his position as under-butler, Thomas could line up their half days off occasionally and they would go to Ripon for mundane errands and dinner in The Grantham Arms.

Last night after dinner was served, Jimmy stopped Thomas in hallway and told him how Mr. Foster, a friend of Mr. Gregson’s, had tried to engage Lady Mary in a conversation at dinner. He had failed obviously- to the notice of the whole dinner party- and his embarrassment had made his hands shake so badly that he kept dropping the serving spoon while trying to take the dill salmon off of Jimmy’s tray.  Thomas then related how the newspaper office had to send a new delivery boy every day for the past week because Carson had been livid if the paper delivery was delayed even by a minute or two. 

They both muttered under their breath about Mr. Carson when they could get away with it, but mainly avoided discussing Lady Mary if they could help it- as thinking about her and her grief made them both uneasy.

Thomas _knew_ he had wanted to be Jimmy’s friend- and he basked in the easy warmth of Jimmy’s smile while sharing a laugh at the end of the day- and in saying “Good Morning” without malice at breakfast. But what Thomas had not taken into account, however, was that it would be _difficult_ for him to be Jimmy’s friend.  He had not counted the ache in his chest when Jimmy’s eyes focused on the wall behind Thomas’s head instead of his face.  Or when Jimmy _did_ look him in the eyes, sometimes he stared just a moment too long- with an expression on his face that Thomas could not understand.  Thomas was always aware when Jimmy sat next to him or stopped to chat in the hall that he wanted to touch Jimmy so badly his fingers ached- and he would flex his hands behind his back to release the strain.  Thomas felt guilty for feeling this way and tried time and again to discount and discourage his own feelings, but they were always there, shimmering just below the surface of his thoughts.  He tried to tamp them down, to drown them with ridicule from his mind but always they came bubbling back up to the surface, stronger for having fought against his attempted repression.   And so he sighed and persevered and lived with the thoughts and feelings warring in his mind, all the while careful to give Jimmy an arm’s length to pass in the hallway, careful to slide cards across the table to him lest his fingers brush against Jimmy’s fingers in the transfer.  

On the more rare occasions when Thomas would read and Jimmy would play the piano after everyone else had gone to bed, Thomas would allow himself to look up at Jimmy just as long as it took to recite a few lines of poetry in his mind.  _He walks in beauty like the night  Of cloudless climes and starry skies;  And all that's best of dark and bright  Meet in his aspect and his eye…_ or sometimes _A knell to mine ear; A shudder comes o'er me Why wert thou so dear? They know not I knew thee, Who knew thee too well: Long, long shall I rue thee- Too deeply to tell._ He would shiver then and force his eyes back down to the pages in front of him, while his mind traced the image of Jimmy, eyes closed and lost in the music he made, over and over.  

While Thomas and Jimmy figured out their friendship, life at Downton Abbey had gradually settled into a more even, but sad, ebb and flow again after Matthew Crawley’s tragic death.  It was spring; and the trees were softly blooming and the gardens were colored in a soft haze.   Lord and Lady Grantham decided to throw the largest house party that Downton Abbey had seen in years.   Lord Grantham thought it would be a smashing success and was convinced it would pull Mary out of her doldrums for good. Lady Cora had tilted her head at him and smiled her tight smile.

Lord Grantham took this gesture as an enthusiastic affirmative and invited extended family, old friends and friends of friends that he hoped would be lively diversions.  The parade of guests had begun two weeks prior and had all the servants in the house busy from before dawn til the wee hours of the morning.  Thomas especially seemed to have extra duties- Carson had him taking care of the visiting staff’s concerns as well some of Carson’s own usual duties for the after dinner drinks.

Thomas enjoyed his prestigious position- and rubbing elbows with the visiting nobility- but not as much as he might have in his younger days.  It did make him feel just a bit empty inside when vivacious guests would lift drinks off his tray- treating him as if he were invisible, as if the tray glided along mid-air on its own volition, guided by magic. 

Thomas also felt a twinge of sadness as he watched Lady Mary stare vacantly out of the windows while handsome men tried to engage her attention, or when a friend tried to speak soothing words to her.  It was as if she were fading, as if her hand might disappear right through the drink she took from the tray.

 Mr. Carson had forbade the staff from discussing Lady Mary’s malaise, especially with guests and visitors who were now seemingly in all the rooms of the house at any given time.  The only time that they were allowed to mention anything about Lady Mary at all was to devise ways to cover up and divert attention from her sleepwalking, or her spells during mealtimes- or her ramblings about almost any small issue.  It had worked so far, to some extent; Lord Gillingham and the other guests were not fully aware of Lady Mary’s state. 

Thomas wondered occasionally if he should tell Green about Lady Mary’s troubles so that Green could relate the information back to Lord Gillingham, but then Lord Gillingham might decide to pack it in and leave, taking Green with him.  He found that the thought did not sit well with him at the moment- to say nothing of the fact that he felt a pang of sympathy when he saw evidence confirming that Lady Mary was now a shadow of her former self. He tried to dismiss those sad thoughts as a moment of weakness, tired as he was from all the extra work.

It did seem as though special hopes had been pinned on Lord Anthony Gillingham in particular.  He and Lady Mary had grown up together and had once been close.  And yet, all the guests that were meant to cheer Lady Mary only served to plummet her further into despair.  So the party had broken up after several days; the guests and their staff departing with a sense of discomfort and unfulfilled goodwill.    All except for Lord Gillingham, who had stayed in the hopes to rekindle his relationship with Lady Mary.  He was biding his time - taking outings with Lady Edith and Lady Rose and Mr. Branson in turns.  And so, as his valet, Green has stayed on as well. 

Within hours of arriving at Downton, Green had charmed almost everyone he had come across. Upon introductions, Green kissed Mrs. Hughes’s hand, complimented Mrs. Patmore’s well-run kitchen and spoke highly of Lady Mary to Carson.  His good looks alone were enough to endear him, and his manners were courteous and kind.

On that first day, Thomas had found Green wandering in the South Gallery, trying to find his way back to the servant’s quarters.  “Oh hello there good man.  I am Nigel Green, Lord Gillingham’s valet.  I seem to have gotten myself quite lost.  I am trying to find the servant’s quarters so I can get to my room and settle my things, but every time I think I am close- I find myself hopelessly turned around again.  ‘ _In sight, then lost amidst the forestry’_ so to speak. Would you mind terribly showing me where my room is?”

Thomas started. “Ah- Not at all. Of course I don’t mind.  You know Lord Byron’s _Don Juan_? ”

“Yes, Yes.  It is one of my favorites of his.  It is a pleasure to make the acquaintance of a fellow admirer of Byron’s work- I dare say.”

Thomas smiled and inclined his head toward the valet.  “I- I am Thomas Barrow and I am the under-butler here at Downton Abbey.  I would be happy to show you to your room.” 

Thomas noticed that Green was about Jimmy’s height but more solidly built than Jimmy, and he moved quite gracefully.  He envied Green’s effortlessly upper class manner of speaking and admired his lovely wide mouth- and he hoped that he had not been caught staring when he looked up into his eyes- but then he realized that Green had been staring at his mouth as well, unashamedly.  Instead of blushing, Green gave Thomas a slow smile and had asked, ever so politely, if Thomas could spare some _extra_ time to also show him the relevant rooms that he would need to know during his stay.

“Of course,” said Thomas, “I will be happy to show you whatever you need to know during your stay here.  Anything you need- you need just to ask.”  

“Ah! Many thanks to you.  I knew you were a good man when I first saw you.” Green gave Thomas his most charming smile.

Thomas’s heartbeat began to pick up a little as he motioned for Green to accompany him.  He thought Green’s eyes were on him several times but when he chanced a look, Green just smiled to himself and turned his face away.  It occurred to Thomas that Nigel Green was being fairly obvious.  

 They passed Bates as they were nearing the servants’ corridor.  “Oh my goodness- Nigel, Nigel Green? Is that you?”  Bates exclaimed, grasping Green’s hand while clapping him on the shoulder.  

“Bates, my dear fellow, how are you?  I heard about what happened to you in the war- terrible business.  I was so sorry to hear the news, but you seem to be doing quite well.  Can you believe it Bates, lowly hall boys together at Whitefield and now we both, oh and I heard Moseley too, are all valets?  We have achieved our humble dreams.” Green touched a finger to his chin and gave Bates a small smile.

“Yes, we have done well.  We are the lucky ones.  Those hall boy days seem so long ago.  Have you heard that Haywood died in the War? He was stationed in France at the time, I believe.  And have you kept in contact with Whitby?  I know you two used to be close.”  Bates slid a glance over to Thomas with his last question.

Green winced slightly as he ran a hand over his forehead, looking down and then he looked back up at Bates.  “I had heard about Haywood- his poor mother, looking after his sister on her own now. “  After a pause, he continued, “I have not heard from Whitby since I left Whitehall but rumors have him as a butler in a small house in London.”

Bates looked chagrined and said hurriedly, “Of course, how insensitive of me.  If you will excuse me, I need to attend to His Lordship now, but I look forward to catching up with you properly while you are here. 

Once Bates had left them in the corridor, Thomas found that he could not contain his interest on the subject. “Mr. Green, do tell us what was Bates like during his lowly hall boys days?” he asked.

Green smiled and shook his head.  “Ah, but we must respect the glorious freedom to be foolish while young.” 

“Some men are free to stay foolish.”  Thomas retorted.

“Yes indeed Mr. Barrow, how right you are.  Were you ever foolish?  Have you stayed foolish? Would you like to be foolish again?”  Green smiled pleasantly, but slowed his words as he spoke, and Thomas felt himself blush as he looked away. 

Green chuckled. “I am only pulling your leg, Mr. Barrow.  I doubt very much that you were ever foolish.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that.” Thomas muttered as he ushered Mr. Green into a small room with good light in servants’ corridor.  “Here we are- this will be your room while you are with us.”

Green looked around, taking into account the small cot, the curved dresser and the towel rack in the corner of the small space.  “This will do quite nicely.  Is your room off this hallway too, Mr. Barrow?” Green asked, with a perfectly bland expression on his face.

“Yes, ah- all the male servants have rooms in this corridor.  My room is actually 3 doors down on this side.” Thomas blushed, as the other man’s smile grew.  “It is reassuring to know you will be close in case I do get lost again or require your assistance in some matter.” 

“Yes, yes of course. Feel free to let me know if you need extra thread or –Well, whatever you require.”  Thomas’s throat was so dry that he could only excuse himself with a nod and a smile. 

For the first few days, there had been a couple of friendly card games between Jimmy, Thomas, and Green.  Alfred would join them from time to time, but mainly he loitered in the kitchen with Daisy and Ivy, as if trying to keep Green away from Ivy.  Sometimes Jimmy would play the piano and Green would accompany on popular songs- “Sheik of Araby” or “Good Morning.”  He had a quite a lovely, deep singing voice that acted as if the call of a siren, drawing the rest of the servants into the room. 

When Ivy and Daisy discovered that Green used to work with both Moseley and Bates at Whitefield, that they were hall boys and then footmen together, they begged Green to tell stories of their exploits.  He would resist at first, and then finally relent with stories about the benign mischief of youth, causing Moseley’s consternation and Bates’s amusement.   Jimmy and Alfred also seemed to find these stories amusing, and listened to Green with rapt attention. Jimmy even gave Green the secrets behind a favorite card trick, and Alfred droned on about spices while Mr. Green nodded and smiled at him.

The extended visit had been quite fun, actually, before Jimmy had seemingly decided that he most definitely did not like Green. Whatever reasons Jimmy had for this change of heart, Thomas could not induce him to divulge them. As the days went on, Jimmy had begun to make more and more derisive comments about Green- and rude comments to Green directly.  

Two nights ago, at the piano –after a rather difficult day, Jimmy asked Green in harsh tones “Would you mind actually singing the _correct_ words to ‘My Blue Heaven.’  It is _Twisting heartache into fine_ not _Twisting heartache into fire-_ for pity’s sake _.”_  Daisy and Ivy protested that Green always sang the words of every song perfectly.  Alfred said to Ivy “That seems a rather small thing to nitpick about-Doesn’t it?” Green looked puzzled and looked up at Thomas; Thomas just shook his head ruefully and wished Jimmy would give Green a fair shake.

On this night, after Green had entertained the hall with the story of Lord Harrington’s mishap with the  horse and dinner was over, Anna and Mr. Bates said their good byes and headed off to their cottage.  One by one, the others headed up to bed. Eventually Thomas was left alone in the hall with Jimmy and Green.  Thomas was reading the same article in the paper over and over, while Jimmy drummed his fingers on the table.

“Jimmy, would you be interested in playing a game of chess tonight instead of cards?” Green offered with a tentative smile.

Jimmy glanced up at Green, his mouth set in a firm line.  “You are quite good at chess, aren’t you Mr. Green?” Jimmy looked between Thomas and Green from across the table, his mouth set in grim line.

“Well yes, yes I am quite good at chess but –I am not sure what that has to do with- It is no matter, if you are not up to the challenge, I can ask Mr. Barrow if he would like to give it a go?” Green turned toward Thomas expectantly.

Jimmy sat up straighter and replied quickly, “Yes, Mr. Green I have played before- here and there.  I prefer cards but if you would like to try chess tonight, I’ll give it a go.  I think Mr. Barrow would rather read his paper.  Isn’t that right, Mr. Barrow?”

Thomas smiled a wan smile. “I think it would be best if I stayed well out of it for now.  I’ll leave the two of you to it and I will continue reading if you don’t mind.”  Thomas lowered his eyes back to the newspaper but the words were swimming on the page and he could not concentrate.  He gave up on reading but kept his gaze on the paper and listened to the exchange between the other two men. 

Green turned back to Jimmy.  “Jimmy, I wonder if I might ask you- Is everything all right?  You seem quite put out these past few days.  Have I done something to offend you?”

Thomas eyes snapped up to Jimmy’s face at Green’s question.  He had asked Jimmy several times about his strange behavior toward Green, and each time - Jimmy brushed him off and changed the subject.

Jimmy blushed a deep red and said crossly “Are we going to chatter like magpies all night or are we going to play a proper game of chess?”

Jimmy lost two games before Thomas gave up the pretense of reading the paper, and three games before Thomas relented all together and headed up to bed. While he was still on the stairs, he heard Jimmy bid Green a good night. 

The next morning, when he entered the servant’s hall, Thomas was startled to see Jimmy waiting in the seat next to where Thomas usually sat- the seat that Green had been sitting in at mealtimes since he arrived.  Thomas sat down next to Jimmy.  “Good morning Jimmy.” He continued in an undertone “This is unexpected.”  Jimmy just smiled one of his wide, uncomplicated smiles and replied “Good morning to you as well, Mr. Barrow.” Green had still not yet come down to breakfast when Mr. Carson hurriedly assigned them the day’s tasks. 

“Alfred, please ask Mrs. Patmore if she will assemble a picnic for two for Lady Mary.”  The staff exchanged glances. 

Mrs. Patmore heard Carson and came out of the kitchen. “For Lady Mary, she isn’t wont to eat much these days.  What would you like me to put in the picnic Mr. Carson?” 

Mr. Carson signed and shook his head. “Whatever you think is best for an ailing soul, perhaps some bread and butter?  Not too much, I agree.” 

“And is anyone going on this picnic with Lady Mary-Will they be wanting anything special in the basket?”  Mrs. Patmore asked with a knowing look. 

Mr. Carson stood up, flustered. “It is no matter who is going with Lady Mary.  Just make up the basket please and no, nothing special. Thank you.“  Mr. Carson left the room, and Mrs. Patmore bustled back to the kitchen. 

Thomas took advantage of Jimmy’s proximity to say quietly to him “Last night in the hallway, I heard Anna tell Bates that she thinks Lady Mary has gotten even worse.  She eats next to nothing, if she even makes it down to a meal at all.  Yesterday morning she walked past Anna in the hallway and did not even acknowledge she was there.   Anna had to take Lady Mary back to her room and give her one of those sedatives Dr. Clarkson left for her.”  Jimmy looked up at Thomas and he looked alarmed and grieved. 

Thomas gave him a small smile and nodded as if to say _We’ll talk later. It will be all right._  Anna walked into the hall, looking worn and worried.  Green followed Anna in and stopped when he saw Jimmy in his usual place on Thomas’s right side.  He inclined his head towards Jimmy and sat down opposite Thomas instead.  “Good morning.  Has anything exciting happened since our dinner last night?” while reaching for the plate of toast.  Thomas indicated the day’s newspaper to Green with a smile, “Nothing exciting here Mr. Green but maybe elsewhere in the word... ” Thomas then looked between Jimmy, sitting besides Thomas, and Green- both absorbed with buttering their toast and thought he did not want Green leaving Downton, not just yet anyway.  He decided in that moment not to tell Green just what state of despair Lady Mary was in right now.  Not today and maybe not ever.   Thomas turned toward Jimmy and asked him where he learned to play chess so terribly. 

 

 


	2. Swimming Under Water Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A special Thank you again to Tara Duchess of Nil and CamaelCzarka for your invaluable feedback on this chapter. And to you all for reading and writing such lovely reviews. Thank you!

 “But what do you think they talk about on their picnics?” Jimmy asked as they took their usual smoke break after dinner in the kitchen yard.  They leaned against the brick wall, facing each other as Thomas cupped his hands around a cigarette and lit it with his silver lighter. “I wonder if Lady Mary won’t talk at all and just sits there like a bump on a log, while Mr. Carson fusses over her.”

“I am sure Carson doesn’t mind if she is quiet.  He most likely has enough to say about how important it is to uphold _standards_ and that everyone has gone too _liberal_ these days, how important it use the correct fork at dinner, and how _no one_ should order a sidecar as an after dinner drink - or a before dinner drink for that matter. As if we don’t follow proper protocol the world might fall down around our shoulders.  All fascinating to Lady Mary, I am sure, since the world actually _did_ fall down around her shoulders.”  Thomas drew his eyebrows together in mock consternation.  “He probably also sings Alfred’s praises to her.  ‘Lady Mary, having Alfred as a footman is a dream come true.  He is always earnestly trying to butter me up, tries to improve himself by asking me about bouillon spoons and dumps full trays of food into the Dowager’s lap.  Thank goodness for Alfred- however would Downton manage without him?’”  Thomas snorted.

“You are a card” says Jimmy fondly, laughing. “You’d better not let Mr. Carson catch you talking like that; you would be in for more than a bit of trouble. And I, for one, would like it if you stayed out of trouble.” Jimmy continued on quickly before Thomas could interrupt. “But _I_ alsoknow all about the bouillon spoons - I’m not hopeless like you were apparently. However did you muddle along as a  footman? You must have been a disaster.” Jimmy chuckled at the look that Thomas gave him, getting a secret thrill from annoying Thomas.

“At least I never spilled tea on Tom Branson.” Thomas countered with a smirk, as he brought the cigarette to his lips. 

“That was only because Alfred bumped into me and caused my tray to wobble.” Jimmy huffed, vaguely watching Thomas’s face as he took a drag of the cigarette; Jimmy realized that his own lips were slightly parted and pressed them together tightly.  He was glad for the way the shadows fell in the yard, shielding most of his face from Thomas but giving _him_ a clear view of Thomas.  “Plus I had a lot on my mind that day.”

In truth, Jimmy’s mind had been churning for more than a week.  When Green first arrived at Downton, Jimmy did not think Green too awful, a little pretentious perhaps- a bit full of himself but Jimmy had never minded an excess of self-confidence in a person, as long as it did not affect _him_.  Jimmy had even thought Green an agreeable chap, good for a game of cards, or chess, or a laugh now and again.

But then, at breakfast a week ago, Jimmy saw Green leisurely look Thomas up and down when Thomas entered the room. Green wiped the interest off his face when he noticed Jimmy looking at him. Since then Jimmy had been making a study of Green studying Thomas, and Jimmy had noticed that Green always kept his eyes on Thomas just a bit too long, engaging him in conversations longer than necessary and sitting too close to him at meals.  Jimmy had also noticed that Thomas had less and less free time to spend with Jimmy since Green had arrived- and that aggrieved Jimmy terribly.  Not that he wanted to think about _that_ too closely.     

Jimmy felt, to his own mind, unreasonably disagreeable about having less of Thomas’s time and attention, and he wasn’t sure why or what to do about it.  Thomas was his good friend surely, but Jimmy was not usually one to be possessive of his friends.  Then again, he did not have many friends - besides Thomas.

On Green’s second day at Downton, Jimmy had been looking for Thomas to let him in a bit if gossip he heard about Lord Wexford, only to find Thomas conversing with Green outside of Carson’s office.  _Didn’t they have work to do?_ Jimmy seethed as he stalked the hallway and the surrounding rooms for the better part of half an hour, waiting for a chance to interrupt.   _What could they be talking about for so long?_ But when Green finally went upstairs, Thomas had to go ring the dinner bell and Jimmy missed his chance to talk to him. 

And then just yesterday, Jimmy just wanted to chat with Thomas, about nothing in particular; he had finally found him in the Library with Green, showing the valet where all his favorite books were shelved. Books that Jimmy had teasingly called ‘frivolous, romantic nonsense’ whenever he saw Thomas reading them in the servant’s hall.  

Thomas and Green were quite wrapped up in their discussion, so Jimmy slipped in but hung back behind a column upon seeing them so preoccupied. He wasn’t _spying_ on them, he thought, he just wanted to _know_ so badly what they talked about when he wasn’t around. 

Thomas spoke to Green in his upstairs voice, not the voice he used when speaking to Jimmy, Jimmy was pleased to note.  “Here are the books on poetry, and _here_ is the collection of sonnets you were asking after.”  He was stood facing the books and reached for a slender blue volume, while Green stood facing Thomas, with his back to the shelves of the library.

Thomas handed the book to Green, who smiled warmly and let his fingers slide down Thomas’s hand before taking the book from him.  Jimmy almost gasped but covered his mouth with his hand just in time.  It seemed to Jimmy that Thomas had startled at the touch, but when he looked again he just saw Thomas tugging his waistcoat back in place after reaching the high shelves.  Thomas looked around the library and then focused again on Green.  “Were you looking for anything else, Mr. Green?” Thomas asked, and Jimmy could not see his face but Thomas’s voice sounded warm. 

 _He usually saves that tone of voice for me._ Jimmy’s heart started racing and his palms felt sweaty. He chided himself and told himself it was ridiculous to feel this way.  _Why shouldn’t Thomas make a new friend?  The fact Green is a pretentious fool just means Thomas will always like me better, right?_  He knew he should be happy for Thomas, even if Jimmy suspected Green wanted to be _that sort_ of friend.  _It is not as if you can give him what he really wants, and if you are really his friend – you will be happy for him._

 “I wonder if you would be interested in reading something a little out of the ordinary, Mr. Barrow?” Green smiled lazily at Thomas.  

“Ah- well, I suppose, it is always an idea to try something new.”  Thomas said, sounding bemused. 

“I rather hoped you would feel that way, Mr. Barrow” said Mr. Green approvingly. “It is a rather special book.  I’ll try to slip it to you tonight but it _is_ top secret; you must not let it fall into the wrong hands.”

Thomas laughed easily, “Well that certainly sounds intriguing.”  Thomas’s laugh broke off when Green slowly took a step towards him, carefully gauging Thomas’s reactions.

Jimmy’s throat went dry and his stomach dropped.  All of his good intentions flew out of his head and, without thinking, he stepped out of the shadows and cleared his throat.  Thomas whirled around and blinked at Jimmy in surprise, while Green narrowed his eyes and pressed his lips in a firm line. Thomas cleared his throat. “Jimmy?  What- What are you doing here? Are you looking for me?”

Jimmy noticed the slight blush on Thomas’s face and realized in surprise that he had not seen that look on Thomas’s face for a while now.  He noticed that Thomas looked at him fondly once in a while but he usually guarded his face a little better around Jimmy.

“Ah, yes, yes I was.” Jimmy shifted and pulled at his collar.  He could not seem to meet Thomas’s eyes.  “I think Daisy said that perhaps Ivy said that she thought Mr. Carson might have wanted to see you in his office-something about the wine inventory possibly?  It was all a bit muddled really but you might want to check with Mr. Carson- just in case.” He finished in a rush, a little breathlessly.

Green continued to look at Jimmy with a steady gaze and then turned to smile at Thomas. “Well Mr. Barrow, thank you very kindly for your help.” He held up the book in his hand.  “Good day to you both.” With that, he brushed past Jimmy and was gone.

Thomas assessed Jimmy closely and nodded, “All right Jimmy.  Thank you for, ah, delivering the message. Are ya feeling all right?  You look a bit pale.” 

Jimmy was relieved to hear that Thomas had slipped back into his _normal_ voice, not the one he used on guests and the family, but the one he used with Jimmy.  

“I am fine.  Perfectly fine, thank you.  I will see you at later then, Thomas?”  Jimmy smiled, although he was still trying to catch his breath.  He turned and rushed from the room. All Jimmy could think was that he had not liked what he had seen, not at all.  And he liked even less the way it makes his skin feel too tight and his stomach queasy. 

Even now, more than a day later, Jimmy still doesn’t feel right.  “Nothing, Nothing’s on my mind.”  Jimmy did not want to think too much on how he was feeling, but he knew his face felt hot and his stomach flipped over every time he thought of the faint blush on Thomas’s cheeks.  Jimmy sighed, letting the silence between them hang heavy and pleasant, and rolled his shoulders and stretched his neck, settling on the wall-closer to Thomas.

Jimmy watched Thomas’s lit cigarette cut through the darkness.  “How much longer do you think Lord Gillingham and his _valet_ will stay anyway _?”_ Jimmy’s voice was laced with disgust.

 Thomas’s raised his eyebrows.  “I expect until Lord Gillingham wins Lady Mary’s affection, gets bored or finds out how bad things have been and is frightened off.” Thomas said, exhaling a stream of smoke and examining his cigarette.

 “I wonder how long we can hide that Lady Mary’s falling apart.  Soon Lord Gillingham is going to see her nasty side and run for the hills.”  Jimmy grumbled and scuffed his shoe in the dirt. 

Thomas said softly “I don’t know – Lady Mary is not my favorite, but it does have to be difficult for her.  To think you are going to be with the one you love for the rest of your life.  To think you are going to be happy and you never be alone or lonely again.  And then you have it taken from you in a blink because of one bloody stupid lorry accident.“  Thomas looked at his cigarette as if it had just insulted him, his hand shaking slightly.  “I mean Lady Mary does have advantages such as a _title_ and _money_ , but losing the one you love is hard- no matter how you cut it.” 

Jimmy shifted, glancing between Thomas and the ground, not meeting Thomas’s eyes. _The one you love_. Jimmy did not often see Thomas being sincere and he felt thrown by it. 

“Well that’s enough of that then” Thomas smiled ruefully at Jimmy and ground out his cigarette with his foot.  “What have you been up to? I haven’t seen much of you the last couple days.”

“Yes, I have noticed.” Jimmy muttered “All you ever do is spend time with _Green_.”

Thomas sighed and said, “It’s my job to help him.  He doesn’t always know where things are and he asks for help. I can’t very well say no.”

 Jimmy waved Thomas’s reasons away with his hand; he had heard all those reasons before. He rushed on before Thomas could continue with his explantation.   “I borrowed a few books from Lord Grantham’s library today.  One book on poetry looked all right. Oh- and I also borrowed ‘The Fundamentals of Chess’ - I have been reading up on strategy.”

“Poetry?” Thomas befuddled, “You hate poetry.  You have said and I quote ‘It’s sop- the whole lot of it is sop.’ And _now_ you want to read it.  That’s quite a switch.”   

“A man can change his mind, can’t he? I thought maybe I would give it a go; see if I liked it more this time. You are always on and on about Byron this and Keats that, so I figured I would see what’s all the fuss.”  He shrugged his shoulder that wasn’t resting on the wall. 

Thomas was right though; Jimmy did not generally like poetry- he did not go in for all that _emotional_ stuff.  But Thomas’s face had looked lit from the inside as he pulled book after book down from the shelves to show Green, and Jimmy thought maybe he was wrong to dismiss poems and sonnets so quickly. 

“Hand over a cigarette, would ya? I feel like a smoke tonight.”  Thomas frowned at Jimmy, but pulled a cigarette and his silver lighter from his pocket and placed them in Jimmy’s outstretched hand, careful to avoid brushing his skin.  Jimmy, who rarely smoked with Thomas, nodded brusquely and lit the cigarette before handing back the lighter back to Thomas.

“You are full of surprises today.” Thomas said, leaning his head against the brick wall.  “Why the book about chess thought?  I didn’t think you fancied chess.”

“Because Green _refuses_ to play cards with me anymore.  He says he’s lost enough money in cards and now  wants only to play chess- with no stakes.   You know I am rubbish at chess and he always wins.  I’m tired of losing to the pompous sod.” Jimmy crossed his arms in front of his chest.

Thomas sighed “You know Jimmy- Green is not a bad man.  You might want to be nicer to him; he could teach you a thing or two. ”

Jimmy coughed and choked, sputtering out cigarette smoke. “Whadaya mean?”

“About being a valet, you dolt.” Thomas rolled his eyes 

“Oh- I would rather learn how to valet from a monkey” Jimmy said darkly, jabbing his cigarette in the   air at Thomas. “Besides I thought you said you would teach me.  Don’t you dare back out on me now.”

“All right, all right, you don’t have to sound so dire.  I just hope you are not referring to me as said monkey” Thomas smiled. “You know you can always just ask me when you have a question. But Green is good at his job and he does have connections.  If you ever wanted to go somewhere besides Downton that may prove useful.” Thomas flexed his bad hand and stared at his glove, as if it held an answer.

 “The only thing Green could teach me is how to be an annoying git.” snorted Jimmy.

Thomas laughed and shook his head.  “I really don’t know what ya have against him, Jimmy.”  Thomas watched Jimmy carefully for his reaction.  “If by some chance, Lord Gillingham does marry Lady Mary, Green would most likely be moving to Downton for good so ya might want to be civil with him.” 

Jimmy just gave a small shrug and watched the embers on his cigarette burn, “All right.  I’ll try if you think it wise.” They stayed there, with their heads resting on the wall, watching the night shadows deepen and listening to the hum of the creatures that only made themselves known at night.

“He fancies you, ya know.”  Jimmy blurted out, looking up at Thomas through the smoky haze.  It was weighing heavy on his mind and he had to bring it to the surface to get some relief from it. 

“Who?” Thomas looked up sharply into Jimmy’s face.

 “Mr. Carson, Thomas” Jimmy deadpanned and then rolled his eyes. “Who do you bloody well think? Mr. Green- _illustrious valet to Lord Gillingham_ \- of course and don’t pretend that you don’t already know.” Jimmy narrowed his eyes at Thomas and shoved Thomas’s shoulder with the palm of his hand.

Thomas blinked in surprise that Jimmy had touched him at all, let alone roughly, “You can’t know that Jimmy. Not for sure anyway.”  But his lips curved up into a slight smile.

 Jimmy scowled. “Don’t be ridiculous. He watches you, all the time, at breakfast, tea, supper and when you pass him in the hall – he turns and watches you.  He wants your opinion on everything under the sun, he asks you ridiculous questions _all the time_. He arrives early for meals so he can be sure to sit next to you and he sits too close to you.  He’s always trying to _impress_ you. Have you never noticed? Why else would he do all of that?” Jimmy finished in a huff and then added quietly. “He practically moons over you.”   

Thomas blushed and looked at the ground.  “I am sure you are mistaken Jimmy, but it is kind of you to imagine that he could fancy me.  I am sure most would agree that he is quite a catch.” 

Jimmy tossed down his cigarette and ground it out. “You must be as blind as a bat if you don’t see it. He fancies you and no mistake.” Jimmy tossed down his cigarette and ground it out with his toe.  “So what are you going to do about him?”

 “What are you on about? Whatever would I have to do about him?” Thomas was befuddled.

“How are you going to put him off? I mean, I don’t want you to get into any trouble. So you’ll have to make it clear that he is to leave you alone.”  

 “How would I get in _trouble?”_ Thomas asked sharply, eyes narrowing. “And trouble for what?  We haven’t _done_ anything, nor am I planning on it really.  Unless someone gets it into their head that they don’t like Green and I talking and tells Carson a bunch of stories?” He gave Jimmy a pointed look.

“You surely do not mean me?” Jimmy asked with his eyes wide and his hand on his chest.   “Thomas, I am not threatening you.  I am only looking out for your best interests. I am worried for you- you’re my friend.  I don’t want you to get sacked and I don’t want you to be _mooning_ around because you got your damn heart broken neither. _”_ Jimmy shuddered and wrapped his arms tighter around his chest. 

Thomas wiped his hand down his face- “Of course not, I mean of course you are-just looking out for me and I appreciate it.  I’m sorry – I didn’t mean to imply anything.  I am not at all certain that Green’s interest is what you suppose.  But he is a visiting valet- it’s my _job_ to make him feel welcome at Downton, Jimmy.  But if I could be sure he was interested-It would be nice to not feel…”  Thomas looked behind his shoulder, into the night and then looked back at Jimmy and sighed. “No, no never mind ..”

“Not feel what Thomas?” Jimmy asked quietly , looking at the ground.

“Nothin.”  Thomas smiled tightly at Jimmy, “Good night, Jimmy, I’ll see you in the morning.”  After he had gone, Jimmy could not muster the strength to follow right away.  “I am quite sure I am NOT mistaken. Green had better start keeping his distance ….or else,” he muttered to himself.

The following night after dinner, Jimmy and Alfred came back to the servant’s hall after serving the after dinner drinks service and found Anna and Bates at the table, chatting softly.  Alfred rushed in and collapsed in a chair, reaching for a tea cup.

Jimmy stood in the doorway, considering going up to his room to read, but then Thomas walked up behind him and Jimmy looked at him happily.  “Are you coming or going, James?” Thomas’s voice was warm in his usual teasing manner with Jimmy, “Or are you partial to standing in doorways these days?”

“Oh please _pardon me,_ Mr. Barrow.  I most certainly did not mean to be in your way.”  Jimmy rolled his eyes and stepped out of the way to let Thomas pass with a slight bow.  But his easy smile fell from his face as soon as he saw that Green was walking down the hall behind Thomas, looking to enter the servant’s hall. 

Thomas nodded at Green as Green walked past Thomas to take his usual seat at the table.  Thomas looked back at Jimmy with a sly smile. “I thought it might be an idea to come grab a cup of tea while there is a quiet moment, unless you have heard Carson is looking for me?” Thomas asked with a smirk and raised eyebrows.  “Shall I go meet him in his office?”

Jimmy blushed and stammered, “I just told you what I thought I heard Daisy say. I was just trying to help.”

“I know, James, quite right- no harm done.”  Thomas chuckled as he brushed past Jimmy.  Jimmy watched Thomas walk over to the table and sit on Green’s left side.  Thomas had a slim red book in his gloved hand that he kept on his lap instead placing it on the table.   _That’s interesting._ Jimmy thought.  _I wonder why he doesn’t want us to see what book he is reading._

Jimmy followed Thomas into the room and took the seat across from Thomas scowling down at the table. 

Anna leaned over her husband toward Green and said “Come now Mr. Green, won’t you tell us more stories about Whitefield?  I doubt we have heard them all and my husband is so tightlipped about what life was like there.”

Thomas offered Green a cigarette but just lit his own when Green declined.  Thomas turned to Green and said softly, “Go on then.”

Green said, “Well Lord and Lady Spencer were good people and one Sunday a month, they would dine at their cousins’ house and let us off work for the evening.  We would go swimming it was hot outside or play cricket; or stay inside and play chess if it was not good weather.  You see, there was no local town within walking distance, so we stayed on the grounds for the most part.  And they had these beautiful show dogs that were under the care of the head groundskeeper, who often drank himself into a nice slumber on these occasions.  So Whitby,” Green paused and looked up at Bates, looking unsure of himself for a moment before continuing on, “another hall boy, went down to the kennels and let his favorite dog out.  It was a beautiful tri-colour collie, name of Shadow.  Whitby used to the take the dog out for walks sometimes when the groundskeeper got a bit squiffy.  He was quite fond of that dog, do you remember John?”

Bates smiled kindly at Green, “I remember- that dog would follow him anywhere.  I don’t even remember the name of the groundskeeper but he got soused quite often and then Whitby would liberate the dog to join our little adventures.  I can’t forget the time that the dog jumped in the lake after Whitby and had to be dried off before going back to the kennel?”

Green laughed, “Nicholas, I mean- Whitby, kept the towel he used to dry Shadow in our room and it smelled like dogs for days. That was quite unpleasant. “

Jimmy was fidgeting in his seat; he cared little for stories about dogs and people he did not know and he cared even less when they were told by someone he wished he did not know at all.  Or rather he wished that Thomas did not know at all.  Thomas was smiling and nodding at Green; encouraging him to go on with his story.  Jimmy wished he had some excuse to lure Thomas away for a smoke or to gather used glasses in the library together - anything to get him out of here and away from Green.

“I digress, let me get back to the story at hand, so we were playing a friendly game of cricket.  Bates, Moseley, myself, a few hall boys and two footman.  And right there during the game, Shadow came out of nowhere and snatched up the cricket ball and ran.  She was like a blur running through the trees and then she would prance back over to us, but would never give up the ball.  She came near John once and  he dove to catch her but wound up with a face full of mud.   We never did get that ball.” Green said, shaking his head and smiling at Bates.

Anna giggled and smiled warmly at her husband, “Oh Mr. Bates, always trying to save the day, you are. “

Thomas had to stop himself for rolling his eyes and caught Jimmy’s gaze.  They shared a secret smile and then Thomas turned his attention back to Green. 

Bates grimaced and said, “I had mud in my _teeth_ for pity’s sake.”  But then he laughed and covered Anna’s hand with his own briefly.

Jimmy said, “Well then Mr. Green, do you have any stories about Mr. Moseley?  Did he have any cricket mishaps?”

 “Green, you really should tell them the one about Moseley in the rowboat.  You are quite the hero in that story,” said Bates.

“Oh nonsense, I was no hero,” replied Green, but his cheeks now had some color in them.  “We had a rowboat at the lake and we would row it out to the middle of the lake, and some of us would jump out and swim back to shore.  Or we would push each other out and then try to climb back in.  Usually only the strong swimmers would go out in the boat.  But Alfred -Mr. Moseley- thought it looked like fun and took the boat out on the lake _by himself_ and he did not realize that the boat had a problem with one of its oarlocks.  We would have told him this if he told us his plans, but he rowed part of the way into the lake by the time we noticed him.  The oar that was not in the lock securely slipped out of his hand and into the depths of the lake before you could blink an eye.  So then Alfred, sorry Mr. Moseley, only had the one oar and he was rowing round and round in a circle.”  At this Green’s composure slipped and he covered his mouth to stifle his laughter.

In a moment, everyone was chuckling at the image of Moseley going in circles. 

After Green regained his self-control, he continued.  “Moseley did not call for help; he just kept rowing in circles.  I swam out to him and pulled the boat over to the shoreline.  It was simple really.” Green shrugged his shoulders, but he looked pleased with himself anyway.

Thomas said, “You _were_ quite the hero, Mr. Green.”  Jimmy’s eyes widened and he hoped he did not look as panicked as he felt.  _A hero._

“I am not a hero Mr. Barrow; I just have some experience swimming.  I do not think you were there that day of the rowboat incident, John.  I think you were a high and mighty footman by then, and above associating with us lowly hall boys.”

Bates rolled his eyes, “Oh how you exaggerate.  First of all, you never thought of yourself as a lowly hall boy.  And _I_ was hardly high and mighty; I was the oldest footman in the history of Whitefield I believe. Second of all, it was not long before you moved up to footman as well- quite a feat as you were young for that position.  But you always have been determined. At the time, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but, Mr.Green, you were quite sure.  You are always quite sure of what you want and then you set out to get it. “ 

Green laughed good-naturedly, “And it is a rare thing if I do not succeed once I have set my mind to something, Mr. Bates.” sliding his eyes over quickly to Thomas.

Jimmy felt his stomach drop, and he knew his face had gone pale.   But Jimmy knew something that Green did not know; Jimmy could be just as determined to succeed.


	3. Swimming Under Water Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Green wants Thomas to go for a swim- just the two of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's Notes:  
> Sorry this chapter is so long- they will not usually be this long, I just had a lot to say from Thomas's POV. And a special thank you and dedication to Tara- Duchess of Nil for her wonderful beta work and for reasons- so many reasons.

**Swimming Under Water- Chapter 3**

Thomas groaned when he surfaced into wakefulness.  The birds were raising quite a fuss outside his window and the morning sun was a soft weight on his face. The breeze from the open window was gentle with hint of chill from the night and lightly scented with new growth.  Thomas’s head was pounding though. He had fallen asleep too late in the night and in an awkward position to boot, with the red volume borrowed from Green on the bed beside him. He was tempted to throw the book at the birds but he doubted it would do much good.

He sat up and scratched at his stomach, reaching for his cigarettes with his good hand.  After reading some of the stories in the book, Thomas suspected that Jimmy was correct and Green _was_ interested in a relationship of some sort with Thomas.  If he was honest with himself, Thomas suspected Green was interested even before Jimmy’s tirade in the courtyard.  It was just that after his judgement failed so spectacularly with Jimmy, he had lost faith in his ability to discern if someone was interested in him.  He didn’t want Jimmy to know he doubted himself however.  

Thomas looked at his cigarette fondly and muttered, “At least you won’t let me down old friend.” _I must be losing my mind, first the bloody birds,  now my ciggy- I need to keep my wits about me._ He inhaled and closed his eyes for a moment, enjoying the slight buzz from the smoke.

Thomas opened Green’s book and re- read the inscription on the front cover, “My Dearest N- I hope you find these stories as inspirational as I do.  I look forward to exploring your newfound knowledge with you.  Fondest wishes - N.”  Thomas assumed that the first N’s was Nigel, since the book was in his possession.   The stories contained in the book _were_ inspiring and intriguing.  Thomas guessed that Green gave him the book to suss out Thomas’s interest.

He tried not to think about how long it had been since he was physically close with anyone.  He did not relish admitting it, even to himself, but he was lonely for intimate company.  Being friends with Jimmy helped take away the ache of loneliness, but it did not take away the ache to hold someone.  Reading the book last night brought the ache back stronger than ever, with everything he wanted written out in black and white.   

Thomas could take care of matters himself, as he had last night, but that did little to ease his want.  The want to hold someone, feel their hands smoothing down his back and hear their moans and gasps.  The ache that was made greater by all the time he was spending in Jimmy’s easy company these days.  It made him _want_ so much more and the _need_ for more was building every day.  Thomas had been in love with Jimmy for so long that he was not in the habit of imaging himself with any man besides Jimmy.  Thomas had to remind himself every day that Jimmy was not interested in being more than friends with him, as much as that knowledge pained him. Even if he could not love someone else right now, maybe he could love them in time, or he could have them in his bed and not necessarily love them, but like them well enough.   Perhaps the time had come for him to consider someone else.  And perhaps that someone was Nigel Green.

Thomas _was_ tempted by Green.  Green was charming, good-looking and had the good taste to find Thomas attractive.  It had been some time since someone had been so very interested in Thomas and that was quite flattering.  And it _had_ been a long time since Thomas had been intimate with anyone and he did not fancy the idea of being a celibate monk all the rest of his days.  He had no idea how long Green would be visiting for and if he would ever visit again- these things were out of his control.  But he could make the most of the time that Green would be here.  Thomas felt a bit as if he were being unfaithful to Jimmy. _But that is ridiculous based on your friendship and that thinking is only going to send you down a dark path where you get your heart crushed._   Better not to think about that.

Although, Thomas was confused as to why Jimmy was so very put out by Green.  His reaction seemed a bit out of bounds for their friendship.  Thomas had not seen Jimmy so out of sorts since the night of the debacle in Jimmy’s room, as he was that night in the courtyard. He heard Jimmy’s words from that night over and over again: “He fancies you, ya know…. He watches you, all the time…. How are you going to put him off?”  Thomas was actually more surprised by the way Jimmy said the words, weighed down with bitterness and anger, than by the words themselves.  If he did not know better, he might think Jimmy was, well, jealous.

Thomas also wondered why Jimmy did not seem the least bit taken with any of the several lady’s maids that had been visiting a few weeks ago, but he could not never bring himself to ask Jimmy any questions about his love affairs, or if there were any.  If he had not learned so well from his past mistakes, Thomas might think that Jimmy’s recent behavior meant something but he knew now to put any of those sorts of thoughts from his mind firmly, no matter how tempted he was to indulge himself.

Thomas startled, and almost dropped his cigarette, when he heard an abrupt rapping on his door. Sometimes Jimmy stopped by his room in the morning to borrow pomade or a book, but Jimmy’s knock was usually a bit more discrete.  Thomas stifled another groan as his neck protested his getting out of bed and wrapping himself in his dressing gown before opening his door.

“Good morning Mr. Barrow.”  Green looked quite handsome in his dark gray valet’s suit, which set off his eyes.  He also looked very _awake_.  Thomas thought - _I must look a fright._

Thomas leaned his head against the door frame.  “Good morning Mr. Green.  How can I help?”

“Oh, I just stopped by to wish you a good morning.  And to see if you had a restful night?” Green ran his eyes over Thomas, taking in his disheveled hair and his sleepy eyes no doubt.  He smirked at Thomas and raised an eyebrow in question.

Thomas chuckled and ran a hand through his hair, “That is kind of you.  Not _very_ restful no, but it was a good night overall.  Though, I am afraid I am running behind schedule due to, ah, oversleeping.”

Green nodded, but kept his smirk in place.  “I understand completely, Mr. Barrow.  I will see you downstairs.”

Thomas closed his door only halfway and watched Green walk down the hallway.  _Turnabout is fair play._ He closed it fully but quietly when he could no longer see the other man, and hoped Jimmy had not heard their exchange. 

But Thomas did hope for the sake of their friendship that Jimmy would understand if Thomas went with Green.  Jimmy could not expect to keep Thomas at an arm’s length and also expect him to never _be_ with anyone else either, could he?  Thomas smashed his spent cigarette butt into the ashtray on his nightstand and got ready to face the day, his head still pounding.

************************************************************************************************************ 

The day evolved into a perfect late spring day.  Fluffy white clouds drifted in the sky and the trees rustled in the slight breeze.  Lord and Lady Grantham, as well as Lady Rose, had decided to take their tea in the garden, bringing along Sybbie and Georgie and their respective nannies to linger in the late afternoon sun.  Lord Gillingham was out riding on the grounds and Mr. Branson was out on estate business. 

Consequently the house was rather quiet and, with no pressing matters to attend to, Thomas lingered outside in the courtyard.  He had a smoke and enjoyed the warm breeze on his face.  He felt something like promise in the air - something was finally going to turn out right. 

When Thomas did finally make it back inside and down to the servant’s hall, he was surprised to discover only Green and Jimmy hunched over a silent game of chess.  Well, actually upon closer inspection, Jimmy was hunched over the chess board, brow wrinkled and lips moving in silent concentration.  Thomas’s heart fluttered just like every other time he first sees Jimmy, but especially now when he looks so glum at the failure of his great chess plan. He wanted to find a way to comfort him or put the smile back on his face. Green had just taken one of Jimmy’s rooks and had a slight smile playing at the corner of his mouth. 

Thomas smiled softly at the top of Jimmy’s head, “How is the game going?”

Jimmy just scowled down at the chess board and shook his head.  Green smiled widely at Thomas, “It’s going well. I think James is showing great improvement.“ At that, Jimmy scowled even more and rested his head on this hand.  Thomas thought that he looked the very picture of consternation. 

“Glad it is going well then.” Thomas went to get the order book before returning to the table.  He sat down at the table next to Green, placed the lists carefully on the table and extracted his lighter and cigarettes. Thomas could feel Jimmy’s gaze on him, but Jimmy looked back to the game when Thomas tried to meet his eyes.  _He has been acting so strangely lately, I wish I knew what was going on in his mind._  Thomas thought as he inhaled the first blissful drag of his cigarette before he settled down to work on his lists—surreptitiously watching Jimmy and Green.  

 After Green had taken a knight and seemed a few moves away from attacking Jimmy’s queen, Alfred entered the hall carrying several of the family’s silver decorative pieces and looking downcast. 

“Why so blue, Alfred?” Green asked, with a mildly interested expression on his face.

Alfred sighed, “Carson asked me to polish some of the silver since dinner will be delayed. The family is  still enjoying their picnic.”

Jimmy’s face brightened, “Ah, I don’t mind helping you with that Alfred.” Alfred’s jaw dropped, but he recovered and pushed some of the silver pieces toward Jimmy. Jimmy pushed the chess board away and pulled his gloves from his waistcoat pocket.  Green smirked and shook his head, glancing over at Thomas.   Green reached for the chess pieces and began placing them back in their case.  When he came to the Queen, he held it in his hand and studied it.

“Actually, I am glad I got you all together.  I was wondering, since the weather has been so lovely and mild these past few days, if anyone would like to go swimming tomorrow afternoon.”  Green looked back toward Thomas with a smile and raised eyebrow.

Thomas looked up from his list and blinked, “Swimming?  Uh, where?”

“Right here at Downton, of course.  I have seen a little lake half surrounded by trees past the West Lawn, looks like a lovely spot.  And I overheard Carson telling Mrs. Patmore that if it was nice out tomorrow, there would be another picnic for luncheon so less work to be done for the staff in the afternoon.” Green looked at Thomas with hope lighting his face.

Jimmy was looking at Green through narrowed eyes, but at the mention of the lake, his eyes widened and he looked quickly at Thomas. Thomas imagined that Jimmy had the same thought he did; _That is where Lady Mary and Carson take their picnics, better not to risk going there._  

Thomas nodded at Jimmy imperceptibly and met Green’s gaze evenly, “That is a lovely spot but rather in the way if any of the family happened to be in the area. We should probably think of somewhere else to go.” Thomas glanced back at Jimmy again and then quickly dropped his gaze back down to the table, blushing. “It would not do to have the family finding us in ah, in, uh in whatever you wear to swim. Uh what do you traditionally wear to swim?”  Thomas looked up at Green, while Jimmy rolled his eyes.

Green laughed and ran his fingers across his face. “Well I usually swim in my underclothes, but some people swim in all their clothes and some others swim completely naked. You can wear whatever you feel comfortable in.”

Jimmy made a sound like he was choking but when Thomas looked over towards him, Jimmy had covered his eyes with his hand and seemed to be muttering to himself.

Alfred chimed in, “Don’t you know how to swim Mr. Barrow?”

“Yes, Alfred, I can swim.  I can swim rather well, as a matter of fact.  It’s just that it’s been a while and things are different when you have a swim as an adult rather than as a child.  I am worried about my clothes getting wet though.”

Alfred chuckled, “It’s only water, Mr. Barrow.  It will dry.”

Now Thomas rolled his eyes, “Yes, thank you _Alfred_ , I do realize that.”

Green leaned a bit toward Thomas, his eyes full of mischief, “Well you do not _need_ to wear anything to swim really.  We can all swim naked, communing with the wilds of nature.”

Green continued talking but could not be heard over Jimmy’s choked coughs.  Alfred looked at Jimmy in alarm and whacked him on the back.  Jimmy spluttered and recovered enough to fix Green with glare, his lips being to form a sneer.  He was clutching the silver he was polishing so tightly that his hand was shaking slightly. Thomas blushed again and rubbed his forehead, shaking his head. _Pull it together Thomas._

Thomas sat up straighter on his chair and cleared his throat. “Swimming does sound quite fun and I think it would be a fun outing as long as nothing important comes up before tomorrow.  You can count me in. James and I have our half day tomorrow actually, so easy enough for us to go.  But if James is off, it may be impossible for Alfred to have off as well.”

Green laughed easily, “Excellent, Mr. Barrow.  Whatever spot you choose is perfectly fine with me. And Alfred, if that is true then, I am so sorry that you will not be able to join us.”

Alfred looked up from the candle holder he was polishing, “Actually I do have off work – I switched half days with Jimmy- but my cousin is coming up to Ripon and I am meeting ‘im at the pub.  I am sorry but me plans are fixed and I can’t change ‘em.  But for a good swim, there is a smaller pond past the wildflower fields after the East Lawns.  I am not really a good swimmer but I have gone there before to wade around a bit.”

Jimmy turned his glare from Green, who was studiously ignoring him, to Alfred.  Alfred looked at him in surprised and shrugged, “What? What did I say?”

Jimmy shook his head and turned back to Green again, this time with a smile that was stretched too tight. “It is very kind of you to include me in your invitation, Mr. Green, however you _know_ neither I nor Alfred can go since you were _there_ when Alfred asked me to switch.  You were actually sitting right across from me like you are now. You knew I could not get the time off and Alfred had other plans when you planned this little outing.” Jimmy’s voice shook a little when he spoke.

Thomas’s eyes went wide at the venom in Jimmy’s voice, but Green responded smoothly, “Oh dear. I do apologize, James. I am sure I do not remember that at all; I must have been quite distracted.  But, no matter, we can always go again another time if you would like.” Green smiled benignly.

Thomas was finding it a bit difficult to breathe properly, “Well maybe we should postpone the outing until we can all go together.”  It _would_ be more fun if they could all go, or if just Jimmy could go with Thomas.  That would be all right as well.  Thomas had to push any thoughts of Jimmy swimming aside, and focus on the conversation at hand. 

Green seemed to consider it and then shook his head ruefully, “I am not sure when I will get a chance to get away again.  And if it is just you and I, Mr. Barrow, it will give us a chance to discuss literature.”   Green practically winked at Thomas.

“Are you so sure that Mr. Barrow still wants to go?” Jimmy asked through gritted teeth, giving Thomas a pointed look.  

Thomas looked back and forth between Jimmy and Green and then looked back down at his lists, the blush still faintly on his cheeks. Thomas had to remind himself of his earlier resolve that he did not want to die a celibate man. And this might be the perfect chance to get to know more about Green.   “I am sorry that you can’t go, James, and you as well Alfred.”  Jimmy rolled his eyes at this, but Alfred did not even look up from his polishing. 

Thomas looked up at Jimmy, pleading with him silently to understand, and then back down at his lists, without seeing them.  “But I think it rather a good idea to go swimming tomorrow and I think I will go.  If, if the weather is still fair that is. And nothing happens to prevent us from going, of course.”

Thomas tried not to look up again but steals a glance up to see Jimmy with his mouth hanging a bit open in disbelief and Green looking pleased with himself with a smirk on his face.  Thomas was confused by Jimmy’s continuing strange behavior.  _If only it meant something- but it doesn’t.  Stop thinking about it._  Thomas shook his head and went back to working on his lists, but not before catching the bemused expression on Alfred’s face as he looked at Jimmy, who was still muttering and scowling.  Jimmy finally recovered enough to resume polishing the silver, but this time furiously.  And all the while, shooting glares at Green, who was pretending not to notice.

Throughout the day, Green would flash Thomas quick, secret smiles that made Thomas’s stomach swoop with anticipation. Jimmy avoided being in the same vicinity as Thomas or Green, but when Thomas could catch a glimpse of him- Jimmy looked hurt. 

*******************************************************************************************

Thomas waited in the kitchen courtyard for Green.  The day turned out to be perfect and clear- the perfect day for an outing.  Thomas sighed.  He had a strange mix of excitement and dread coiling together in his stomach.  He wanted to know more about Green but he also felt like he was betraying Jimmy.  _That is ridiculous- you are friends - nothing more – you have to put him from your mind, for a bit anyway._

Amidst all the fuss of preparing baskets for Carson and Lady Mary’s picnic and the family’s garden tea, Thomas managed to snag a few scones and tea sandwiches for their excursion to the pond.  But he had not had any time to get wine or scotch from the shops in Ripon.  He and Jimmy had polished off the last of his wine a couple of weeks ago while playing cards in Thomas’s room.  Thomas had wrapped the food up in brown paper and rolled it with an extra pair of knickers inside a towel and threadbare coverlet he took off his bed, which he was attempting to conceal beneath his arm.  He was shifting his weight and looking around, even though he was not technically doing anything wrong. Well besides snagging the sandwiches.  

Thomas turned when he heard Green’s shoes crunching in the gravel.  And his heart began to beat just a bit faster.  Green looked elegant even in his gray-green day suit, with his own towel rolled up under his arm. 

“Good afternoon Mr. Barrow - fancy meeting you here.” Green said bit breathlessly but with a twinkle in his eye.

Thomas gave him a crooked smile, “Nigel, when the family is not around- feel free to call me Thomas.”

Green laughed his nice, easy laugh.  “I know, Thomas, I was just teasing you. Shall we go?” Green gave a little bow and extended his arm graciously. 

After a few moments, Green took off his hat, “It is actually the perfect day for swimming today.  I am so very glad you agreed to come with me.”

Thomas smiled and squinted up at the sun, “As am I.”  He cleared his throat, “You look quite dapper today.”

“Oh, Thank you.  How kind of you to say.  It is handy to have rather plain like this for a day such as today.”  With that, Green slipped off his suit jacket and slung it over his shoulder.  Thomas glanced at Green out of the corner of his eye.  _He looks quite dashing in his shirtsleeves and waistcoat. His suit is well tailored, especially for a day suit._ Green’s gaze remained straight ahead, but when Thomas looked ahead again, Green’s mouth smirked ever so slightly.

When they reached the pond, Green looked around with satisfaction at the small pond hidden on all sides by tall trees and wildflowers growing here and there in the dappled sunlight. They headed to a small clearing right by the water’s edge that was bathed in sunlight.  Green kicked off his shoes and unfurled his towel, showing Thomas the bottle of scotch he had stashed there.  “I did not want to carry glasses as well so we can just share from the bottle if that is all right with you?”

Thomas nodded absently and began to open his blanket, but dropped it instead and fumbled when he tried to pick it up, sending the brown paper package flying.  Thomas rubbed his forehead and smiled ruefully, reaching for the food. Green leaned over as well to help him salvage the package from the sandy soil.

“Ah you supplied us with a late lunch, Thomas - How very thoughtful of you. I am quite hungry actually. I had to see to Lord Gillingham’s dinner clothes right after luncheon to give me the time to get away this afternoon.” Thomas gave a small smile at the compliment and they arranged the blanket in order to have their picnic in the late afternoon sunlight. Green looked Thomas up and down and then he smiled brightly up into Thomas’s face. “It is quite hot this afternoon- Do you think?  

Green kept his gaze steady on Thomas as he took off his waistcoat and took his braces off his shoulders and let them dangle off his hips. He unbuttoned his dress shirt and removed it slowly off one shoulder and then the other, folding the shirt casually and draping his clothes over a low branch, leaving him in his undershirt.  Thomas blushed and his mind was continuing to churn.  _Why do I blush every time Nigel looks at me? I have got to get ahold of myself._  Thomas followed Green’s lead with a small smile, removing his jacket and waistcoat carefully and hanging them next to Green’s. He hesitated before removing his dress shirt as well, leaving him in his trousers and undershirt.  _Well it is rather hot today. I just hope the family or anyone else for that matter does not venture this way today._  Green smiled appreciatively and indicated that they should sit on the blanket.

Thomas unwrapped the scones and the small sandwiches, while Green opened the scotch and offered Thomas the bottle first.  “Now I wish I had carried the glasses; they would have been perfect to toast with.”

Thomas swallowed and the liquid burned his throat on the way to his stomach. He handed the bottle back to Green, and felt Green’s fingers brush against his own. “We can still toast. We just may have to toast slowly as I am serving at dinner tonight. What are we celebrating?” 

Green locked his gaze on Thomas, “Us here now, having each other’s company on this beautiful day. And ah to new friends- may we become better acquainted over time and fight our enemies together.”

Thomas burst out laughing, “That is quite the toast.  Do you have enemies that need fighting, Nigel?”

Nigel laughed along with Thomas, “I admit; that was not one of my better toasts.  I should just stick to quoting Byron when I am with you.”

Thomas looked puzzled, “Why is that then?”

“Well, truth be told, I am a little nervous.  I was trying to maybe impress you? I think you might know that I am interested in getting to know you better.  I like what I see Thomas, and I think we could get on quite well together.” Green twirled a loose thread from the blanket, looking up at Thomas through his lashes.

“Nigel, you do flatter me and I admire your courage to tell me.”  Thomas’s shoulders had visibly relaxed when the other man had admitted his nervousness, and now his smile was much more confident. “I confess I was unsure of your feelings, and in fact, I am still a bit unsure of my own but I know that I do enjoy spending time in your company. I do not want to mislead you but I do like to spend time with you.”  Thomas grabbed the bottle and lifted it in the air, ‘To new possibilities’.”

Green laughed and took back the bottle, “Short but sweet – well done.  My turn then- To new experiences!” he said with a flirty smile.

The air was warm and close around them as they laughed and leisurely ate their picnic, conversing easily and letting the essence of the day envelop them.  Thomas was relaxed and contented; watching Green as he spoke.  _He does touch his mouth a lot, and it is quite a lovely mouth.  I wonder what it would be like to kiss him._

Thomas felt contented and flustered, both at the same time, with Green. But as soon as Thomas thought about kissing him- his insides dropped.  He had pushed Jimmy out of his mind for most of the picnic, but now thoughts of Jimmy came rushing back into his mind.  Thomas’s chest filled with yearning to be here with Jimmy instead of Green and to believe he would soon be kissing Jimmy instead of Green.   The thought of Jimmy and of never having him, dampened Thomas’s spirits immediately. He focused on keeping his breathing even and looked out over the water.

Green looked up at Thomas’s face at the change in atmosphere, “Are you all right?  You went very quiet all of a sudden.”

Thomas nodded quickly, “I am quite all right.  I was just thinking how lovely the water looked- that’s all.”

“Thomas,” Green said quietly, “I know that look.  I know it because I have gone through it myself.  When I first arrived at Downton, I thought you and James must be together.  You looked as thick as thieves and were always in each other’s pocket- I thought there was no other explanation.  But then I came to believe I was mistaken, and you were not together. If you do not mind my asking - I know it is a rather personal question- but were you ever together?”

Thomas replied with a tight smile “No we never were together and no, that will never happen with him.“

Green continued softly “But you do have very ardent affection for him.  Do you not?“

Thomas rested his forehead in his hand and sighed, “I suppose I do.”

“I would venture to say you, in fact, have it quite terrible for him. Don’t you?”

Thomas sighed again.  There seemed no point in denying it now, his voice wavering, “Yes, yes I do.’

Green nodded and was silent, working out what this information might entail.  “Do you think he will ever return your affections?”

Thomas said firmly, “No, he has made his feelings on the subject very well known.  He is only interested in being my friend and I value his friendship.  I will not put that in jeopardy for the world.  But I also cannot start to hope that he might want more one day. I went down it once and I nearly lost everything.  I won’t let that happen again.”  He kept his eyes fixed ahead, looking over the water, but he was aware of Green settling closer to him on the blanket.

“I am sorry, Thomas, I did not mean to upset you.  I am just trying to figure you out.  And I want to know what, if any, feelings you might have toward me.  I spoke a bit to Bates to see if you were inclined the same way I am.  He was vague but he said enough to guess.  I realized already that James might have your heart.  I have seen the way you look at him, especially when you think no one is paying attention.”  

Thomas looked down at the coverlet and Green took a deep breath but continued. “I know how you feel about James, and I do not expect to have your heart’s undivided attention, but maybe if you could consider giving me a chance; letting someone else into your heart.  If you are certain that James does not and will not return your desire, then it might not be a _terrible_ idea to give someone a chance to win your affections.”  Green reached out hesitantly to put his arm around Thomas’s shoulder.

Thomas startled when Green touched him, but he willed himself to relax into the embrace.  Green was right; if there is no hope with Jimmy- Thomas would be a fool to not give someone else a chance.  Especially someone like Green, who was smart, refined, kind and who wanted to be with Thomas.  Thomas closed his eyes and leaned into Green’s warmth. 

“Do you think James knows that I am interested in you?”

Thomas snorted, “Yes, I think he suspects.”

“Good.” Thomas was surprised. Green reached for the bottle again and spoke softly, “I forget if it is my turn for a toast- but let me try to do better than my first attempt,” Green raised the bottle and cleared his throat. “A toast-In honor of esteemed company and in honor of our surroundings:  Here is pleasure in the pathless woods, There is a rapture on the lonely shore, There is society, where none intrudes, By the deep sea, and music in its roar: I love not man the less, but Nature more….” Green took a drink and passed it back to Thomas, keeping his steady gaze locked on Thomas’s eyes as if trying to discern what was in Thomas’s mind. 

“To Lord Byron and to …good company,” Thomas tipped his head toward Green before taking a drink.  They shared an easy smile.

Green slides a bit closer to Thomas, “I actually do not know if this is the best time to tell you, but since I know one of your secrets now-I will tell you one of my own.”

Thomas raised an eyebrow at Green and said wryly, “If that is a secret, then it is the worst kept secret at Downton.”  He snorted and then continued, “Well not everyone know that I still carry a torch for Jimmy, but there are some that know I _had_ feelings for him, and everyone knows that now we are close friends. But I suppose there are some that have no knowledge of anything at all.”  Thomas lifted the bottle again, “To secrets!”

When he passed the bottle to Green, Green smiled but put the bottle down on his other side. “I was once in very much love as well, with someone that was a bit like James is actually.”

“N?  N from the inscription in the book you lent me?”  Thomas was distracted for a moment before furrowing his brow and correcting Green, “And you do not really _know_ Jimmy, you know.  He is much more underneath than he first seems.”

“I am sorry, of course I do not know James well, but I will explain what I mean. Ah- and very astute Thomas.  Yes N is Nicholas, Nicholas Whitby.  He gave me the book actually.  You may have heard me speak about him with Bates.    I met Nicholas which I was still a hall boy and he was a footman.  He was, well he still is, but for me it seems all in the past, he is tall and blond and quite strong. In his footman days, he easily carried the heaviest trunks on his own.  He also has these brown eyes you could just drown in.” Green paused for a moment and shook his head as if to clear it.  “Of course, I was totally infatuated with him but he could not see me as anything other than pesky boy who asked too many questions, and took up too much of time.  Time he could be using to somehow further his own career.  You see he was, and still is I imagine, very concerned with getting ahead and furthering his own interests. In that way, James reminds me of Nicholas; he seems very ambitious.  Is that true?”

Thomas’s shoulders stiffened under Green’s arm and he made to pull away. “We all have ambition in some ways. Who doesn’t want to get ahead as best as they can?” 

Green immediately tried to smooth things over. “I do not mean anything by that, ambition has made many a great man and I myself have worked diligently to succeed.  But I was hurt by it at the time, as he chose ambition over me- but I am getting ahead of myself again.  While we were both footman, Nicholas was first footman actually, he finally noticed me.  Truth be told, I inserted myself in any situation I could to get his attention. First, I had to confirm if he was our sort.  I had heard insinuations but wanted to be sure.” Thomas winced a bit at this.  Green continued, “And then once I was convinced he was, like us, I had to figure out if he had any interest in me particular.  I will spare you all the details of my wooing as I do not wish to bore you.  It took some time and some convincing, but finally we were together.  We even finagled a way to share a room.  For a while it was pure bliss; in truth, I have never been happier.” 

Green took a breath and leaned his head on Thomas’s shoulder.  Thomas thought it should be strange to hear Green tell him all this, but instead he realized that maybe Green did understand how Thomas felt, about Jimmy, about him. “Go on then Nigel.  I suppose I’m not about to hear and you lived happily ever after?”

“You never know, I am not dead yet,” Green said brightly, even though his eyes were shining. “You never know what life will bring.  But no, as it stands, this story does not have a particularly happy ending.  We were both doing well at Whitehall, but as I have said, Nicholas was ambitious and he just could not wait to be a valet.  There was hope of advancement where we were, but Nicholas managed to secure a position at a house in London and took it immediately- without consulting me of course and he just – well he did not keep in contact, at all.”

Thomas leaned further into Green; he knew the feeling of being left behind. “Nigel, don’t let him get you down.  He doesn’t deserve you, as lovely as you are.  You deserve better.”

Green smiled sadly, “Whatever the reason, I can tell you I was devastated.  I tried to come up with ways to hold on to him- I thought we could still manage to see each other when I was in London with the family or on days off.  I hoped we could find a way but Nicholas wanted to move on or just did not care as much as I did.  It was obvious really and I was a fool much longer than I care to admit.  I had to face the truth that maybe he was tired of me or wanted someone new.”

Green fell silent for a moment and picked up Thomas’s bad hand, running his long fingers over it and then clasping their hands together.  He looked into Thomas’s face with a questioning gaze.  Thomas had been surprised at the contact and kept his hand limp at Green’s first touch, but then he nodded and squeezed Green’s hand.  “Losing someone love is a hard thing, especially when you don’t lose the love.  Sometimes it never goes away, not really, not all the way.”

“Very true, Thomas.  I knew you were wise.”  Green winked at Thomas.

 Thomas snorted, “Certainly no one had ever accused me of that before.  Do you think- Do you think you will ever get over him?”

“It does get a bit better, each passing day, but the affection I had for him has not yet completely disappeared.  You should know Thomas, once my affection is given, I do not take it back easily.” Green gave Thomas a pointed look but continued, “Now that I spend more time in London due to Lord Gillingham’s time there. I have run into Whitby a couple of times.”

Thomas shifted his position and brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around his legs and resting his chin on his knee.  “How did that go then?”

“About as well as I expected I suppose.  We chatted on the street for a few moments.  Neither time did he ask me one question about me or my happiness.  We just stood on a dirty street in London talking about him.”  Green gave Thomas a wry smile, but his lips quavered as his emotions got the better of him.  “I stood there asking him question after question as if I were a bloody newspaper man and he did not once ask how I was doing or how I liked my new position.” Green said tightly, “There I was- at the time, still not at all over him. Always looking for him – scanning the crowds in London- wondering where he was – if he was all right.  And I finally saw him and realized he cared for me not at all. Typical I suppose.  I am all right really now and I am ready to move on in my life, have been for a while.  But I am worried about you.”

“Me?” Thomas raised his head quickly in surprise, before the scotch made the edges of the world a bit fuzzy for a momentq, “Why would you be worried about me?”

Green blushed and hesitated before saying, “Ah, well, I don’t mean anything by it, but of course I _worry_ about you.  I admire you and I want good things for you Thomas.  I don’t want you to go through the same thing with Jimmy that I went through with Nicholas.”

“Oh, I want good things for you too Nigel.” Thomas was surprised at himself, but he really did mean it.  Green was a good man and he deserved happiness.  Thomas wondered if either of them would be quite this forthcoming, if it were not for the scotch, but he did not examine that thought too closely.

“Good, I am glad to hear it.  Do you know what I think would be a good thing right now?”

Thomas felt warmth spreading through his body and he did not think it was from the scotch.

“Let’s go for a swim.” Green said mischievously. _Oh_

Nigel stood up, pulled off his trousers with the braces still attached and took off his undershirt with a flourish.  The whole time he was undressing, he kept his eyes on Thomas.  Thomas followed his example and soon left his clothes behind in the branches of the tree, as they raced through the sunlight into the water.

***************************************************************************************

The water had been perfectly cool and refreshing against Thomas’s hot skin.  Once they had swam enough to cool themselves and the chill of the pond began to creep into their bodies, Thomas and Green had left the pond, wrapped towels around themselves and sat on the blanket, letting the late afternoon sun warm them again. Thomas was enjoying his time with Green, but once in a while, a stray thought of Jimmy would surface in Thomas’s mind.  Jimmy laughing at something Thomas said, Jimmy scowling at something Alfred said, and Jimmy with his head bowed over the keys of the piano. Every time one of the these thoughts floated across his mind, Thomas resolved to push them out again.  It was nice to spend time with Green, but Thomas still wished he was here with Jimmy instead.

Green broke through Thomas’s reverie, “So Thomas, I did want to ask what you thought of the book?  Did you notice there is a chapter named after you?  I wanted to know if you would ever think about trying any of those ah positions.”

Thomas had thought he was done blushing for the day, but he felt the heat creep up to his face from his chest. “Well I did actually read that one as I was curious, but it was not _named_ for me.  I suppose it is a common enough name.”

“I do apologize Thomas, I did not want you to feel uncomfortable.  We do not have to discuss it if you do not want to.”

“No, no – it is fine.  I think I am just used to being the one – the one that is trying to seduce, not the one that is being seduced.”  Thomas blushed even deeper. “I should not presume that you are trying to seduce me.”

Green hurried to silence Thomas’s protect- saying softly, “Oh but you presume correctly Thomas.  I _am_ trying to seduce you.”

Green leaned closer to Thomas and moved toward him slowly, giving Thomas time to move away.  But Thomas did want this, he reminded himself and he leaned in closer to Green. Green kept his eyes on Thomas, until he was close enough to breathe the same air as Thomas.

Green finally closed the distance between them and softly pressed his lips against Thomas’s lips. Green’s lips were full and soft against Thomas’s and the kiss was slow and undemanding.  Thomas relaxed into the kiss and then Green leaned back again and smiled at Thomas. Thomas took a deep breath and smiled back.

“Is this all right?” Green asked.

Thomas swallowed and nodded, his head still buzzing from the scotch and leaned into Green. 

Green pressed his lips to Thomas’s and brought his hand up to run through Thomas’s hair that was still damp from their swim.  Thomas put his hand on Green’s shoulder, smoothing it up toward his neck.  Green pulled away slightly to take a breath before meeting Thomas’s lips again.

_This is good, This is going to be great._ Thomas thought as Green deepened the kiss. Except, Thomas started to imagine that it was Jimmy he was kissing and Jimmy’s smooth, warm skin that he was caressing.  The thought of Jimmy made Thomas moan, and Green drew his tongue along Thomas’s lower lip.  

Thomas broke the contact and turned his head, resting his forehead against Green. “I can’t.  I’m sorry but I can’t.  I just…It wouldn’t be fair to you or to anyone really.”

Green rubbed his hand over his forehead and seemed to be trying to control his breathing. Thomas took a couple more shaky breaths before trying to explain further.

Suddenly a muffled crack broke the stillness that had settled over the pond. Thomas and Green whipped their heads around to look toward the sound.

Thomas’s eyebrow lifted in surprised when he thought he heard a low, soft groan. “Does that sound like an animal? A fox maybe?”

Green shook his head, “Foxes do not usually snap twigs.  Unless it was caught in a trap?”

“That did not sound like a trap closing to me. Maybe it was just a stray dog?  I don’t see anything out there now though.” Thomas turned back to Green, who was picking at a thread on the coverlet. “I am sorry Nigel, I really am.  I wish things could be different, but I guess I do have it terrible and it isn’t fair to any of us if we continue this.”

Green lifted his gaze over the water and rubbed his chin with his hand.  He smiled sadly. “I understand Thomas, trust me, I really do.  But I also meant it when I said I do not give up easily.  I respect your wishes in this and will not make advances on you for now, but I am not giving up on you.  I hope we can be friends in the meanwhile and I hope in time that you will come to see we will be good together.”

Thomas watched Green as he put on his trousers and shirt, watched as he gathered up the scotch bottle, his towel and his clothes scattered among to branches. He went back to where Thomas was waiting with his head bowed.

“I do understand about James; I know he is your friend and you have known him longer than you have known me.”  Thomas looked up at Green.  “But I do really believe he will hurt you, hurt you like Whitby hurt me.  I do not want that for you, but I am afraid that is what will happen. I am going back to the house now but I do hope you change your mind someday soon.  You can contact me at any time if that happens, even if it is a year from now.  I think James is eventually going to leave here, leave _you_ for greener pastures.  He has no ties here and no reason not to leave. I am sorry if this sounds harsh, I am trying to protect you. I will see you back at the house. Good afternoon Thomas.” Green turned to walk away but them turned back to Thomas, “I do hope you will give us a chance Thomas.  Will you think about it?” 

Thomas cannot bring himself to say anything but inclined his head toward Green and did not watch him walk away.

*****************************************************************************************************

The pond is peaceful and the air is still; the sun is still warming Thomas and has dried the towel still wrapped around his waist. Exhaustion washed over Thomas rather suddenly.  It was a day of making decisions, just to then unmake the same decision.  Thoughts were swirling in Thomas’s mind and his head ached from the strain of trying to follow just one of the thoughts, and he felt overwhelmed by all the emotions of the day.  Thomas laid back on the towel, resting in the sum for just a moment before he had to head back to Downton and prepare to serve dinner. 

Thomas cannot believe that Green might still want to be with him.  He did not know if it was even worth it to give it another chance, but he indicated to Green that he would think about it.  Thomas wanted so badly to be interested in Green.  Green was interested in him and claimed that he would not give up on Thomas.  He liked that - that someone might fight for him for a change.  But he could not force his heart and it would not be fair if his feelings for Jimmy always overshadowed his feelings for Green if they were together.  Thomas’s feelings for Jimmy were special and once in a lifetime.

Green words were haunting him however, “I think James is eventually going to leave here, leave _you_ for greener pastures.  He has no ties here and no reason not to leave.”

He ached for Jimmy, worried for Jimmy, wanted his happiness more than he wanted his own happiness.  He loved Jimmy. He would gladly pine away for Jimmy every day as long as Jimmy would stay at Downton, unless of course leaving Downton brought Jimmy great happiness and then Thomas thought he could even be all right with that.  As long as Thomas could know that Jimmy was all right somehow, he thought he might be able to bear even Jimmy leaving. Thomas sighed at his own pathetic wishes.

He did play this game from time to time; where he imagined that Jimmy left Downton, or got married to some villiage girl and what would happen to Thomas.  Thomas did this to attempt to hold his love in check, but in reality it did very little good.  Thomas’s feelings were just too strong, but it was also difficult to sustain these feelings and give their friendship the breathing space to grow.  It was a daily struggle to keep his feeling contained.  How could Green compare to the aching he felt for Jimmy?

Thomas wanted to give Green a fair chance, but Thomas compared him to Jimmy in his mind and found Green lacking.  Green was charming, proper and well-liked, and also seemed a touch shy from time to time. He was very different from Thomas’s usual type. Jimmy could also be charming as well, only when  he wanted to be and he seemed to be mainly on the surface too. But once in a while Thomas could detect emotions thoughts and desires roiling in Jimmy’s depths and that is what intrigued him so very much.  Some emotion would flit across Jimmy’s face incongruous to the situation at hand or he would look like he was a million light years away.   And Thomas wondered what Jimmy was thinking when he glimpsed that.

Green sounded effortlessly upper-class which Thomas found admirable but he rather loved when Jimmy sounded a bit rough or spoke rough-Thomas found that very appealing.  It made him want to tumble Jimmy directly into bed and spend all day there with him.

There were an infinite amount of ways that Thomas could compare the two men, but he had a feeling that Jimmy would always come out ahead.  The sun made Thomas feel sleepy and the comparisons running over and over in him mind made his head ache. Thomas stayed at the pond considering if he could repress his feelings for Jimmy enough, that it would fair to be with Green and enough, that he could continue his friendship with Jimmy.  Thomas was tired of it really - the comparisons running through his head over and over had drained his energy and he fell down into dreams featuring Green and Jimmy and tug o’war.

 


	4. Swimming Under Water Chapter 4

**Swimming Under Water- Chapter 4**

_I am not spying. I am not spying._ Jimmy told himself over and over as he walked through the wildflower field, heading toward the little pond with two bags of candied orange peel wrapped in brown paper under his arm.

Jimmy had awoken that morning with dread lodged in his stomach and the taste of bile bitter in his mouth.  He had spent the night before tossing and turning, and had worked himself into quite a state of worry picturing  Green and Thomas swimming together _alone_. He imaged Thomas stripping off his trousers to wade into the water and Green watching Thomas, eyes wide with hunger.  No matter how desperately he tried to push the images out of his mind, they flooded back in and brought with them fresh worry.

Jimmy did not like to think about things in general; thinking too much made him feel itchy all over.  He liked even less attempting to sort out his emotions.  But once he let a stray thought lose in his head, _What if I lose Thomas?_ , other thoughts started to fly around his brain- swarming his imagination and drowning any hope of sleep he might get that night.   

Jimmy did not have many people left that he was close to in his life. His friendship with Thomas was something that he never expected to want; but once he gained it, he found that it enriched his life.  Now he had someone to share confidences with, someone he could expect to spend time with that he _knew_ enjoyed spending time with him.

 He was fairly certain that Thomas had loved him back at the time Thomas had snuck in his room and he found it was nice to be loved.  He could not sure be sure if Thomas was still in love with him.  But he could be sure that Thomas enjoyed Jimmy’s company and wanted to spend time with him, as he often asked Jimmy to walk to town or to play cards.   It was comforting that someone could know a small part of him and still like him. 

Jimmy was not sure how Thomas would feel if he knew _all_ of Jimmy’s flaws and faults. Thomas had seen him at a low point after threatening to destroy Thomas and then being cold to him for a year.  But Thomas had forgiven him and still wanted to be his friend.  And Thomas was not the type to be impressed by the saints of this world.  Thomas found something worthwhile in Jimmy and Jimmy only admired Thomas more with time.  Now Mr. Green was threatening to take Thomas away and Jimmy could not face losing his only friend.

Before they were friends, Jimmy did not realize how lonely for friendship he really was.  But now Thomas fit so seamlessly into Jimmy’s life; Jimmy could not imagine his life without Thomas.

&&&&&&&

Jimmy completely gave up on sleep a half an hour before his alarm was due to ring, figuring he would start work a little early.  Maybe a little extra effort would help to impress Mr. Carson.  Jimmy was surprised to bump into Alfred as he left his room in a tired daze.

“Morning Jimmy, you’re not usually up this early,” Alfred greeted him with way too much cheer before coffee had been had. 

“Do you get up this early every morning?”  Jimmy asked incredulously, rubbing at his eyes.

Alfred grinned at Jimmy, “Yes of course.  Who did ya think was cleaning up all the dirty glasses and dishes in the mornings?”

Jimmy groaned and shook his head, muttering, “Anything to impress Carson.”

Alfred looked a Jimmy through slightly narrowed eyes, “What was that Jimmy?”

Jimmy sighed, “Nothing, but you know that’s my responsibility as first footman.  You should let me handle it.”

Alfred shrugged, “I don’t mind Jimmy, I were just trying to help ya know. You seem ..not quite yourself lately. More tired maybe.  You sure you’re all right?”

“I am quite fine Alfred, I can assure you.”  Jimmy snapped back, running a hand across his brow.

“All right, Jimmy.  If you say so.”  Alfred said easily. “But it weren’t right of Mr. Green to plan an outing for when he knew we couldn’t go.  Seemed a bit sneaky to me.  I’m not sure I like him very much after that.”

 Jimmy felt himself thaw a bit toward Alfred, but he still didn’t want to say “ _Yes Alfred, I completely agree,_ ” because he did not want to admit out loud how much Green got to him. “It didn’t seem right, Alfred.  But there was nothing to be done for it, I suppose.  Let’s get downstairs.  I bet I can find more glasses than you can and still be done first.”

Alfred just snorted and shook his head, following Jimmy down the stairs.

&&&&&&&

 Jimmy tried to keep his thoughts strictly on his work, but collecting glassware and emptying ashtrays was not really enough to keep his thoughts from drifting.   He held the delicate stem of a wineglass in his hand, twirling it absently.

The same images from the previous night circled through his mind in a relentless cycle, urging him to do something – to change something.  Jimmy needed to know what Green was planning, what Green might do to sway Thomas to his side.  Jimmy knew Thomas might be vulnerable to the promise of friendship and the hope of more.  Thomas had gratefully accepted Jimmy’s offer of friendship after the fair, even though it was obvious that Thomas really wanted more.  The thought of Thomas’s face so bruised but so lit from the inside with joy, because of Jimmy, made Jimmy’s heart twist in his chest.  His hand cramped with the force of the fist he had formed around the delicate stem of the wineglass.  If he wasn’t careful, he would be paying for a new glass from his wages.  _This is ridiculous, I will just follow them and make sure Green is not up to no good and that Thomas is all right_. 

It was difficult to look at Thomas during breakfast and impossible to look at Green.  Jimmy felt Thomas’s eyes on him throughout the meal.  He knew if he looked up into Thomas’s face, he would see hurt there, and he could just not bring himself to look this morning.  He was also partly afraid that if Thomas looked in his face, he would guess what Jimmy was planning.

Jimmy flexed his fist that had nearly broken the delicate glassware and knew that if he looked into Green’s face, he would see it filled with smug satisfaction, and Jimmy would punch him.  He would calmly walk around Mr. Carson and Mrs. Hughes and land a punch with a crunch on his smooth face.  So instead Jimmy concentrated on his eggs and scones and left the hall as soon as he was finished.

As the morning wore on into early afternoon, Jimmy became more restless and wracked his mind for a reason he could run an errand- any errand that would get him out of the house and provide him time to detour past the pond.  It was usually easy for Jimmy to find an excuse to duck out of the house when necessary, until today.

Jimmy knocked on the open door to Mr. Carson’s office, and Mr. Carson motioned for him to come in. 

“Mr. Carson, I was wondering if you needed me to post any letters for you or run any other errands for you in town.”

“Why do ask James? Did you have some reason you needed to visit Ripon?” Carson raised his eyebrows suspiciously peering at Jimmy over his spectacles.  “This morning , you are up early to _help_ Alfred and now you are trying to get out of work for some reason.  Not a nefarious reason I expect?”

Jimmy felt his face heat up and tripped over words, “No-No-Not any reason at all.  I was only trying to be helpful.  You have so much to worry about these days, I thought I might help you in any small way that I could.”

Carson’s face softened but he still looked unconvinced, “Thank you James for asking, but I do not currently require you post anything for me.  Should the situation change, you’ll be the first to know.  Now in the meanwhile, I trust you have other work to keep you occupied, or perhaps I should find you something to do?”

“Yes, Mr. Carson.  Thank you, Of course I have quite enough work, and I will return to it right away.  I did hope that being helpful was valued here at Downton.” And he gave Carson what he hoped was a meaningful look, but Carson just waved him on his way. 

Jimmy hurried out of Carson’s office and down the hall.  He inspected the cleaning supplies for the silver.  All the silver polish was lined up in neat rows in the cabinet, next to the soda crystals which were also in abundance _. Blast  Carson’s inventory lists_.  Jimmy began to feel desperate and his thoughts were churning.   _Thomas does not know it, but he needs me to do this for him- to watch out for him._

Jimmy poked his head into the servant’s hall and saw Bates seated at the long table, brushing one of Lord Grantham’s hats.  “Good afternoon, Mr. Bates,” Jimmy said stiffly and turned to leave the hall, ignoring the fact that it looked slightly ridiculous to walk into a room, just to turn around and immediately leave it again.

“Are you looking for Thomas?” Jimmy stopped in the doorway, his spine stiff as he looked back over his shoulder at Bates.

“No, I wasn’t looking for Mr. Barrow.  Why do you ask?” Jimmy stayed felt rooted to where his feet met the floor, finally meeting Bates’s level gaze.

Bates shrugged his shoulder, “No reason really, I am just used to seeing you with Thomas on your half days off.  But I saw Thomas out of uniform earlier and here you are.  Is everything all right, James?”

Jimmy would have sworn that Bates was trying to see into his mind and  to divine the reasons that Jimmy was left on his own. “Everything is fine, Mr. Bates.  I agreed to switch my half day with Alfred, so my time off did not match up with Thom-Mr. Barrow’s today.”

“But Mr. Green’s did?”  Bates kept his sharp eyes on Jimmy’s face. 

Jimmy huffed. “I don’t know what you are on about but I am sure that neither Mr. Barrow nor Mr. Green would thank you for minding their affairs.”  Jimmy realized what he said and blushed, “I mean….I only meant that they would not want you to concern yourself over what they do with their time off.”

“Of course James,” Mr. Bates agreed.  “I didn’t mean to pry.  But you do look a bit pale.  Are you sure that you are all right?”

Jimmy closed his eyes for a moment and took a steadying breath.  “Yes, of course, Mr. Bates.  I am perfectly all right.  Why wouldn’t I be?” Jimmy answered tightly, setting his mouth in a firm line. 

“No reason, James, no reason at all.”  Bates sighed and looked back down at the hat in his hands.  He shook his head slightly and went back to work. 

Jimmy headed back down the hall to the kitchen, drawn in by the hubbub he heard there.  Mrs. Patmore stood over a book open on the center of the long table, one hand on her hip and the other on her chin.  Her eyes were cast down and she was muttering to herself, while Daisy and Ivy were rushing back and forth from the cupboard to the table.  They were getting in each other’s way in their haste and had to step around one another, squawking and rushing around. 

“What’s the matter?”  Jimmy asked in a cheerful voice, trying to seem like someone that could be relied on to help.

“Ohh,” Daisy groaned, “It’s awful Jimmy.  Mr. Carson asked us to make Lady Mary’s favorite dessert tonight for dinner, and we used the last of our candied orange peel on this cake,” she gestured to the sad mess in the middle of the table, “and it fell flat for some reason.  Now it’s ruined and we have no more candied orange peel. Mr. Carson is not going to be a bit happy about this.”

Ivy cut in, “Two of the kitchen maids are sick today and so none of us can be spared to go to the shops to get more.”

Mrs. Patmore shook her head, “I was sure I had added extra bags to the last shopping order as I know how dearly Lady Mary loves this cake. But there is no more in the storage closet.  Mr. Carson will have me head when he hears Lady Mary will not have her cake tonight, but maybe I can find another one that Lady Mary will not mind so much.”  She looked tired and worn out.  Lady Mary’s sadness weighed heavy upon the house, taking those inside steadily under with it.

Jimmy took a breath, so as not to appear too eager, “I can go to the shops for more candied orange peel if you like?”

Mrs. Patmore’s face filled with relief, “Oh, would you?  Thank you Jimmy- that would be wonderful. I’ll write you a list of the shops most likely to have it.  We have credit with them all so you can just put it on our tab and Mr. Carson can settle it later. On second thought, I’ll give you some monies and we can keep it off the tab.”

Jimmy faltered a bit, “Well I supposed I will have to ask Mr. Carson for permission to run to the shops.”

“Oh no no, It’s quiet today so I doubt Mr. Carson will come looking for you but if he does, we’ll cover tell him you are polishing the silver upstairs or something.  What Mr. Carson doesn’t know won’t hurt ‘im. Now be off with ya.”  Mrs. Patmore gave him a significant look as she handed him a small wad of bills.

Ivy said, “Be careful Jimmy, but it is _so_ exciting - you have a secret mission, just like in the pictures. You’ll be just like Douglas Fairbanks.” Ivy and Daisy giggled and turned back to their work.

Jimmy smiled as he shook his head and walked briskly from the kitchen.  He was going to have to keep up a brisk pace if he would have time to get the orange peel and check on Thomas.  As he left, he heard Daisy say to Ivy, “You and your picture stars.” And they giggled again.

***********************

Jimmy draped his gray jacket over his arm and practically ran to Ripon.  He was relieved that the first shop on Mrs. Patmore’s list had the orange peels.  He planned to tell Mrs. Patmore that the last shop on the list had the peels, and was grateful he was able to pay in cash, so neither Carson nor Mrs. Patmore would ever know the full truth of his excursion.  Well, unless she asked the shop clerks directly, but she didn’t really have a reason to do that and he could always claim later that he was just confused and turn one of his charming smiles on her.  _Actually I am not sure if they work on Mrs. Patmore,_ he might need a cover story but he would worry about that later.

With the small candied treasures wrapped securely under his arm, Jimmy hurried back toward Downton and veered off through the wildflower meadow.  His heart was pounding and he felt very aware of the blood circulating in a frantic rush, heating his skin and sounding in his ears.

 _I am not going to spy. It’s not spying really.  I am just going to have a look- make sure that Thomas is all right._ Jimmy did not really think that Green would take _advantage_ of Thomas, and Thomas could certainly handle Green on his own.  But he did worry that Thomas might be susceptible to Green’s charms and might be falling for Green.  

Jimmy took care to watch where his feet stepped and to avoid snapping twigs or make too much noise while trying to locate where they were having their picnic near the pond.  He tried to focus on his journey to the pond to distract him from his thoughts, but his mind refused to obey him.

In the past week, Jimmy had noticed that sometimes Jimmy had to interrupt Green and Thomas’s banter to hold a conversation with Thomas, which he never had to do _before._  Now, Thomas laughed at Green’s jokes freely and Green held Thomas’s gaze with more meaning.  All of it gave Jimmy uneasiness in the pit of his stomach and he did not trust Green to look out for Thomas.  Even if he did not _mean_ to cause Thomas harm, if Green and Thomas became _involved_ and were careless and discovered, Thomas could lose his position at Downton and it could destroy Thomas.  Jimmy could not bear for Thomas to go through that again. Jimmy rarely felt protective of anyone and was surprised that he felt protective of Thomas.  But Jimmy knew how vulnerable Thomas could be. 

Jimmy also did not want Thomas to fall so in love with Green that he left Downton with him. He know if that happened he would lose his friend forever.  Even if Green did not necessarily take Thomas away from Downton, if Thomas and Green were _together_ for a time _,_ it would still be terrible for Jimmy.  Thomas would be here with Jimmy, but his mind and his heart would be distracted.  If anyone knew just how much Thomas gave of himself and of his attention when he loved someone, it was Jimmy.  And if Thomas did fall in love with Green, Jimmy just knew it would not be the same between them.  All he could hope was that Thomas would NOT fall in love with Green.  But how could he ask that of his friend, to give up love entirely because Jimmy had learned to avoid the entanglement of love.

Jimmy heard them before he saw them – a soft muttering of voices to his right, closer to the pond.  Jimmy walked a wide circle around them until he came up on their other side and he crouched down behind some low hanging branches.  From this vantage point, Jimmy had a fairly good view of Green and Thomas and he did not like what he observed.  “Bloody Hell,” he whispered to himself. 

Green was sitting next to Thomas on the blanket, and was curled around Thomas.  Green had a teasing smile on his lips and looked very sure of his reception from Thomas.  Jimmy’s throat clenched when he realized that Thomas indeed didn’t seem to mind Green being that close to him.  In fact, Thomas’s face, when he was looking at Green, looked open and inviting. Jimmy had only ever seen Thomas look like that before when he was looking at Jimmy.

 _God, he is crawling all over Thomas_ , Jimmy thought with disgust.

Snatches of their conversation floated on the slight breeze and reached Jimmy.  He strained his ears to hear as much as he could.  Jimmy liked none of what he heard.

  _“I am sorry, Thomas, I did not mean to upset you….”_ Jimmy almost rushed into the clearing with those words, but he settled again when Thomas’s face did not show any distress. “ _And I want to know what, if any, feelings you might have toward me.”_ The murmuring continued and Jimmy tried to concentrate.

“ _To Lord Byron and to …good company,”_ Thomas seemed to be smiling and raising a bottle, but it was difficult to see.  Jimmy did not think it was a good idea for Thomas to be drinking while on Downton’s grounds, and Jimmy’s head began to pound.

Jimmy’s stomach began to churn and he swayed a bit in his crouched position, steadying himself by bracing his left arm on the ground. _I must be careful,_ Jimmy thought.  _Thomas would not be happy to find me spying on him.  Well it is not spying- not really.  I am just checking up on him, but really he might  not appreciate being checked up on._  Jimmy could only imagine how angry Thomas would be to have his privacy intruded on, even if it was Jimmy doing the intruding. But surely Thomas was going to put a stop to this flirting soon and put Green in his place.  Thomas just could not be interested in Green, he just could not be.  Jimmy settled himself back down and took a shaky breath, concentrating on pulling it deep into his lungs.

The pounding in his brain got worse when Jimmy heard Thomas say, _“To Secrets”_ and his blood felt cold and sluggish, while his breath was stuck in his lungs. _“I think I am just used to being the one – the one that is trying to seduce, not the one that is being seduced.”_  Jimmy held his head in his hands while crouching behind the bush and his hands began to shake when he heard Green say clearly, _“I am trying to seduce you.”_   Jimmy did not think the reality could be worse than his imagination, but was wrong, so very wrong.  This was worse than he had even feared.  Green was taking Thomas away; he was going to take him from Jimmy.

Jimmy gripped onto one of the low tree branches to steady himself, and he could hear sounds of Green and Thomas splashing into the pond.  He did not think he would survive it if Thomas was naked with Green, so he hung his head and tried to calm his shallow breathing.  

Jimmy realized he had to get away, he was not strong and he could not bear to witness anything more.  He tried to steady himself and rise to leave when he glanced up and saw Green lean over and _oh no, no please no._  Green was kissing Thomas, and Thomas was kissing him back, and Green’s hand was in Thomas’s hair, messing it up so it would be hanging in Thomas’s eyes when they were done.  Jimmy always liked Thomas’s hair when it was not slicked back and they were relaxing in Thomas’s room and now Green would Thomas like that too. 

Jimmy was frozen in place and was sure that he was soon to become violently ill, until he heard Thomas moan.  Then he turned, falling to his hands and knees, and got sick as quietly as he could.  He realized just how bad it would be for him to be discovered in the woods, spying. 

Jimmy just could not bear to watch anymore.  He struggled to keep his balance as he attempted to rise, but he was shaking so badly, struggling for breath and he had been still for too long.  He fell over as soon as he started to straighten his legs and caught himself with his hands.  When he finally stood up, he tripped over a tree root and could not regain his footing.  Jimmy took a few stumbling steps before landing heavily on his hands and knees.  His right knee snapped a fallen tree branch lying on the forest floor, and he quickly bit down on his bottom lip to stop his cry of pain. 

He sensed the stillness from the clearing and dared not even to breathe, ears straining for the sounds of the two men searching through the underbrush.  Once Jimmy heard the low murmur of voices again, he let go a soft whoosh of relief, carefully getting to his feet.  He concentrated on stepping in complete silence, moving as swiftly and silently as he could - given that he was shaking like a leaf.  His mind was a blank whirl of emotion.

*******************

Once clear of the dense wood, Jimmy leaned against the trunk of a birch tree, its white bark glowing softly in the sun.  He tried desperately to calm his racing heart and pull air into his lungs.  Jimmy needed to compose himself before walking back into the kitchen and facing Mrs. Patmore, as well as Daisy and Ivy- who were sure to be only too interested in what took him so long.  He gently pushed his fingertips across his forehead, and his fingers glided across the surface which is slick with clammy sweat.

Jimmy brushed his fingertip together and brought his hand in front of his eyes.  _I am afraid, I have not been this afraid since the war. I am afraid of losing Thomas - I just can’t lose him. It was ridiculous that I only liked him as a friend.  Friends do not feel driven mad with jealousy over a new love interest._ Memories fight and rise to the surface of his consciousness.  He is so _tired._ He closed his eyes and leaned his head back into the bark of the birch and a glimpse from his past engulfed him.

  _“Son, I need you to take care of your mother for me, while I am gone.” Jimmy’s father put his hand on Jimmy’s shoulder and squeezed.  Jimmy was afraid to look into his father’s face; he was not sure what he would see in his father’s eyes._

_“I will- I promise.  Are- are you afraid Dad?”_

_His father sighed, “Yes I am afraid, I would be a fool not to be afraid.  But I cannot be ruled by fear, I must do my duty and I must do it well.”_

_Jimmy felt tears_ _gather to spill out of the corner of his eyes. “I am afraid for you Dad. I don’t want you to go.”_

_“I know, son, but I must go.  And you must manage as best as you can and take care of your mother.  Your mother-she is a good woman but she lets her fear rule her.  You need to be strong, Jimmy, and face your fears.  And God forbid- if you are called on to do your duty for King and Country, I hope you will do the honorable thing and make me proud.”_

The thought of his father’s steady blue eyes calmed Jimmy’s racing heart.  Growing up he always wanted his father to be proud of him, but at this point, he wasn’t sure his father would be proud of him and what he has made of himself and his life _. Would my father be proud of me? I have not been facing my fears lately.  I have been drowning in fear and letting it rule me._

If Jimmy cannot find his courage soon, he might lose Thomas forever and he can’t stand that thought. _He has been MINE for much longer than Green has been around and I will not lose him._

He needs to tell Thomas how much he values his friendship and maybe they can try for more, maybe they can see where this goes.  Thomas is brave and does not hide away who he is, and Jimmy can lean on him for when he does feel weak.   With a sigh of relief and a lighter heart, despite what he witnessed at the pond, Jimmy looked up at Downton Abbey, gleaming in the sun.  He pushed himself off the tree, tightened his grip on the package of candied peels and made his way across the fields.  He decided to make his way back to the house in the opposite direction from the pond, so as to lessen his risk of being caught out by Thomas and Green.

Jimmy hummed a tune to himself as he walked, and he thought the words in his mind. _“Blue skies smilin' at me; Nothin' but blue skies do I see; Bluebirds singin' a song; Nothin' but bluebirds all day long.”_ He decided to talk to Thomas and had to work out what exactly he should tell Thomas.   As he walked, he  became aware of a high-pitched wail intruding on his thoughts.  Jimmy halted in his path and turned his head to the side.  The wail could have been a bird’s or an animal’s, but whatever it was- it made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end.  Jimmy’s stomach swooped and clenched again, as he looked around for the source of the cries.  He started in one direction toward the sound, before the breeze changed, sending him in exactly the opposite direction.  

He imagined how ridiculous he must look, tromping around the fields in circles and looking off into the distance.   He didn’t even know what he was looking for- a wounded animal or a banshee coming for another member of the family.  The cry was eerie and unending, coming at him all at once and then from one direction and another.  He focused in on one direction right before he saw them.   

Like a vision from a dream, Lady Mary appeared to his right.  At first he saw just the top of her head, and then her face and as soon she finished climbing the gentle bluff- he could see most of her.   He tried to still the jolt of shock that went through him.  Jimmy had never seen someone looked so devastated.  Lady Mary’s head was down and her shoulders were slumped forward.  She was watching her boots as she tramped mindlessly through the tall grass, paying no heed to the baby red-face and screaming in her arms. 

Jimmy blinked several times and moved toward Mary.   She stopped and swayed where she stood, slowly looking up into his face but not seeming to know him.  She kept her arms around Georgie who was on her right hip, even though he was still squalling and arching away from his mother.

“My Lady?” Jimmy asked as he stepped closer to her.  Mary attempted to concentrate on his face for a moment, and then she sighed, head lolling away from Georgie and looking off to the horizon.  She looked haggard and wrecked.  Her hair was coming out of her low bun and was hanging by the sides of her face.  Her eyes seemed vacant of emotion, as if there were no hope anywhere in the world.

Apprehension slipped in and began to crawl up Jimmy’s spine as he tried to swallow down his panic.  “My Lady?  Are you feeling all right?  Can I do anything that might help you?”  When she didn’t respond, he muttered to himself, “And why are you out here on your own? The gossips would love to see this.”

Mary flicked her eyes back to Jimmy and she took a deep breath. “Do you think you might take him for a moment?”  She indicated the baby on her hip.

Jimmy had not been around many babies since his cousins had been small, but he put down the package from the shops and reached to hold Georgie- trying to imitate the way he had seen Mr. Branson hold Sybbie.  Georgie looked surprised at the change in his situation and looked at Jimmy with wide eyes.  Jimmy tried to bounce the baby and talk to him in soothing tones.  He felt completely ridiculous, out here in the field with a mad woman and hungry baby that was at least calm for the moment. 

Jimmy kept his left arm tight around Georgie and scooped up the peels with his other hand, which Georgie reached for immediately and tried to put in his mouth.  When Jimmy tried to take the package back, the baby started sniffling and seemed to be working up to a wail.  Jimmy quickly moved the package back into Georgie’s reach, and turned back to Lady Mary. “Shall we, my lady?” and motioned for them to walk together back to the house.

Mary seemed to be disinclined to move however and Jimmy was not sure if it was general apathy or if she thought it unseemly to be seen walking with a servant.  Between the worry of handling this situation correctly and witnessing Thomas kissing Green, Jimmy felt the tension snap through him and his earlier good mood leave him- making his heart race and his palms sweat.   There was nothing to be done for it; he had to get Lady Mary back into Downton before she was seen by Lord Gillingham, Green or anyone else.  Jimmy reached out his free arm and took Lady Mary’s arm.  She seems startled at first, but she did follow him beside him as he made his way toward the house.  Even though Mary was thin from mourning, her added weight caused his injured knee to protest and he tried not to let his limp show.

After walking for a bit with Georgie cooing and smacking his lips instead of screaming, Mary seemed a bit more like herself again.  “I am quite sorry James, it must be such a bother for you to take care of me in addition to your other duties.”

“I assure you, My Lady, it is no trouble,” he replied with what he hoped was a charming smile but felt like he was just pulling his lips back from his teeth.  Either way, she didn’t seem to notice.

“I am just so tired these days.  I cannot seem to clear my mind.”

Jimmy didn’t know what to say to her and it seemed less than proper to be discussing any of this with her in the first place. But she did not seem to notice or care and he didn’t know what else to do to keep her and the baby calm long enough to get back in the house without drawing attention to themselves.

“I am sorry to hear that My Lady.  It is always an idea to talk a walk in the sunshine.  It’s good for you and for the baby.”

Lady Mary tilted her face up to the sky.  “Oh, is the sun shining today?  I thought it was raining.” She said vaguely.

Jimmy tried to pick up the pace a bit at that, but Mary seemed content to stroll and he had to hold back in order not to pull on her arm. 

“Have you ever been in love James?”  Jimmy felt his breath freeze in his chest at her words.  His brain scrambled to come up with an answer, but she continued on not waiting for an answer.  “It is wonderful to be in love and you forget how terrible it is when you lose it. But when you lose it or when it loses you, it is terrible, just terrible. I can’t imagine how one can continue day after day after day being this tired and terrible-just terrible.”   Mary sounded bored, as if she were discussing the history of churches.

“We’ll get you and Georgie inside my lady, and you can have a rest and maybe you won’t feel so tired anymore.”  Jimmy tried to assure her, while frantically looking around to ensure that no one was around to witness a limping footman carrying the heir to the estate and gripping the arm of the heir’s mother.  He was afraid someone might ring the police in alarm of an attempted kidnapping. 

“Oh yes, Georgie.  He is a dear, isn’t he? He looks just like his father.  Every day that I see him, I think he looks just like his father more and more.”  She seems to crumble a bit at this and Jimmy rebalanced himself to hold her arm more firmly.  They passed the rest of the way to the house in relative silence, only broken by Georgie’s coos and gurgles.

“Oh thank goodness!”  Anna scurried up to them as they were approaching the servant’s entrance.  Lady Mary let go of Jimmy’s arm and started crying softly in Anna’s arms.  “Why are you taking _Lady Mary_ to the servant’s entrance?”  Anna whispered fiercely to Jimmy.

“How could I bring her through the front hall when I am holding her up and carrying George?  I didn’t want to be seen.” Jimmy lowered his voice, “ _by anyone_.”

Anna pressed her fingertips to her forehead, while still comforting Lady Mary.  “Right you are, of course. We simply can’t have anyone see her like this.  That was quick thinking James.  Can you manage George until we are inside?  I don’t think I can help both of them.” 

“Of course,” Jimmy said, “I can manage him. Let’s get inside quickly, before our luck runs out.”  Jimmy would never admit it but Jimmy was feeling quite grateful to George for being quiet on their strange little journey.  And he felt for the little boy, growing up with a mother that was off her nut and no father.  Money or no, it was still going to be tough for George. 

As they walked Anna patted Mary on the shoulder, “You gave us quite a fright you know.  Nanny didn’t know you were planning to take Georgie for a walk, and we didn’t know where you had gone off to.”

Mary whispered, “I don’t think I _was_ planning it.”  Anna continued patting her shoulder and murmuring to her soothingly.

Mary was still sniffling and wiping her eyes as they approached Mr. Carson’s office.  Jimmy winced when he heard the butler’s voice, “What is the meaning of…Oh Lady Mary, what’s the matter?  Are you feeling unwell?”  He gently touched her shoulder.

Mary did not respond but covered her face with her hands, and Carson’s face softened even further with concern.  “Anna, why don’t you take Lady Mary upstairs and I will have one of the maids bring up a tray for her.”

“Yes, Mr. Carson.  Of course I will, but first have you seen Nanny?  I think James might want to hand Little George over to her.”

Jimmy shook his head, “Oh there is no hurry Mr. Carson.  Master George and I are having a grand ole time.  We are just as right as rain, aren’t we Georgie?”  Jimmy smiled at the little face that was turned toward the sound of his voice.

When he looked back up, Carson and Anna both looked struck dumb.  Carson blinked his eyes and said softly, “I never would have believed it.”

Jimmy frowned in confusion, “Is everything all right?”

Anna looked at Carson and then smiled at Jimmy, “It is all fine James.  Well done.  It was good of you to take care of them. I’ll see if I can find Nanny and send her down to you.”  She looked around and then guided Lady Mary up the steps back to the main part of the house.   

“On second thought, I will bring the baby up to the nursery and Nanny can meet us there.” Carson reached out for the baby in Jimmy’s arms, “Please wait in my office James, when I come back I would like to talk to you.”

Jimmy slumped his shoulders a bit at that but answered, “Yes Mr. Carson” as he handed the boy over. “But I do have a package for Mrs. Patmore. She needs it for Lady Mary’s dessert tonight.  Is it all right if I give this to her first?”

Carson nodded his assent and turned to go up the staircase, muttering to himself, “I am not sure that she will want dessert tonight, but we can try.”

Jimmy hurried to the kitchen, trying to stay ahead of his swirling thoughts, and handed the peels to Mrs. Patmore with a flourish and a wink.  “Oh thank you Jimmy, well done, well done indeed.” 

Ivy beamed at him from her position at the sink.  “You are our hero, Jimmy.”  She didn’t say it with her former pleading tone, so it was easy for him to return her smile with good grace. 

He turned to head back to Carson’s office when Daisy laid a hand on his arm.  “Is it true that you saw Lady Mary wandering on the lawn out of her mind?”

Jimmy thought about how Lady Mary looked completely shell-shocked, like some of his fellow soldiers during the war, after they seen battle.  How sad and exhausted she had looked and he sighed. “Daisy, she’s sad – she’s very sad and we should be careful what we say.  We wouldn’t want people to get ideas.”

Daisy rolled her eyes, “I know she is sad, I’m not daft.  I am just worried is all. You did a good thing Jimmy.”  She patted his arm and then stepped around him, getting back to work.  He continued on toward Carson’s office, but stopped short when he saw Carson waiting for him in the door of the kitchen. 

Carson’s lips were pressed together but he nodded at Jimmy and motioned for Jimmy to follow him down the hall.  Carson closed the office door behind them.  “I thought I would have much to say, but it seems that you hold this family in higher regard than I had originally thought.   You handled yourself very well today, James, and on behalf on the family, I want to thank you.  You took care of Lady Mary and the heir, and did not gossip about it.”  Carson’s words were a bit stiff, but his eyes were shining with tears that did not leave his eyes. “You may take a couple hours respite before dinner.  I wish I could give you a rest from serving dinner but with the guests, we will still need you at dinner.  Go on now.”

&&&&&&&

Usually Jimmy loved time off, even just a couple of hours of time off from his duties.  But the problem today is that he has nothing really to do besides play solitaire in his room, and it is not nearly enough to occupy his thoughts.  Now that he has seen Lady Mary and the wreckage of love, his old, familiar doubts and fears are beginning to wash back over Jimmy- fear of losing his job, fear of being thrown out on the streets, fear of not making his father proud of him, fear of being lost and alone again.  Jimmy never wanted to feel that way again and if he finds love and loses it again-it will completely destroy him.  He had worked hard to build up the walls surrounding his heart after both of his parents had died, and he almost razed the walls today.  But after seeing how love, strong love, can destroy you and your life, he reconsidered his decision to be brave.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for how long this story took. Those that follow me on Tumblr know that RL has been a bit crazy lately and had hindered my writing time. A couple of other notes: the song that Jimmy is humming is a little ahead of its time. Music and lyrics written by Irving Berlin in 1926; the song was performed by Belle Baker in the musical Betsy. "Blue Skies" was recorded by several singers from diverse genres, including Benny Goodman and Willie Nelson. The song was also featured in several films including The Jazz Singer. Also sorry for all the italics- I used them for several different things in this story. I am quite tired so there may be typos, but I hope to go back and fix those.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thank you's to Are-Are Kay and CamaelCzarka for all you amazing inspiration and prompts on this fiction. I would never have written it without your kind words and encouragement and wonderful critiques. Also special thanks to tara-duchess-of-nil for her editing work and her encouragement as well. And thank you to all the wonderful Thommy writers that have shared your gifts and talents with us so graciously. I gave Mr Green the first name Nigel as we have not been told his first name on the show yet and he is being acted by Nigel Harman. Also not all the songs listed are from 1922 or earlier but they are from the 1920's.


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